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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24113998">Beating of the Hearts</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/WeepingintheTARDIS/pseuds/WeepingintheTARDIS'>WeepingintheTARDIS</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Broadchurch</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Case Fic, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, episode 1x08 aftermath, former detectives club, selfharm</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-03 01:29:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>26,844</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24113998</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/WeepingintheTARDIS/pseuds/WeepingintheTARDIS</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The case was closed, the murderer imprisoned, Broadchurch safe. This should be the end where they said their farewells and followed their own path. Except, they were led down the path of destruction and they couldn't let go.</p><p>Dealing with the loose ends of 1x08. Diverges from canon after the season finale. Cross-posted at Fanfiction.net</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alec Hardy &amp; Ellie Miller, Alec Hardy/Ellie Miller</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>54</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Prologue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Since the Broadchurch fandom seems to have migrated to this platform and has revived during the current pandemic, I finally decided to cross-post my work here. This fic originally started as my first ever attempt at nanowrimo back in 2013. In the 6.5 years that followed I've abandoned this fic and returned to it multiple times. Because this work has been edited over such a long period, you may notice changes in writing style and pace. Please bear with me. You can only rewrite a story so many times.</p><p>The rating has been moved up to M for descriptions of selfharm in later chapters. Please read the warnings for each chapter, if applied, carefully.</p><p>Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from Broadchurch, I just get to play with them and let them interact with the creatures of my own imagination.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>She walked away from the Latimer's house, not daring to look back. She hadn't even got the change to explain she hadn't known about Joe and Danny. Beth's cold grey eyes had been piercing right through her as she voiced what she had been thinking the whole day.</p><p>'How could you not know?'</p><p>When she was sure she was out of sight Ellie started to run. Panic and anger took over as she ran blindly through the empty streets. There was no traffic to slow her down and luckily no-one who could look at her like <em>that.</em></p><p>She didn't know she had been heading to the Traders hotel until she found herself being let in by a still neatly dressed Alec Hardy. When had she unconsciously decided that she wanted to see him out of all the people she knew? And why did the man look like he had been expecting her? It was half past three in the morning for God's sake!</p><p>'Here.' He handed her a glass filled with water.</p><p>She was still trying to recover her breath and her hands were shaking, spilling water on carpet. He gently took the glass from her weak grasp and held it for her as she managed to take a few sips. 'Thanks.' she breathed.</p><p>He pushed her lightly back into the only comfortable chair in the room and sat down opposite, on the bed, himself. A comfortable silence settled between them as he patiently waited for her to speak.</p><p>When she finally felt like she wouldn't burst into tears as soon as she would say anything Ellie looked up at her superior.</p><p>'How could any adult be in love with an 11-year-old boy?' she asked. 'Is he a paedophile? 'Cause he didn't do anything and the pathologist said there was no record of abuse on Danny, either historic or recent and I asked Tom and he said Joe never touched him, so what does that make him?'<br/>She swallowed back the lump that was forming in her throat and searched Hardy's face for any sign of emotion that would tell her how he felt about it.</p><p>He bit his lip. 'Why do you need a category?'</p><p>'I need to understand.' she realized she must be sounding rather desperate, but could you blame her?</p><p>He took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling, carefully choosing his words before he turned his gaze to Ellie again. 'Well...' he started tentatively, 'Just because he didn't abuse either boy... It doesn't mean that he wouldn't have gone on to.'</p><p>'Doesn't mean he would have either.'</p><p>'No.' he quickly agreed. 'We'll never be sure.'</p><p>For a moment they were both silently looking at each other, Hardy's expression full of honest compassion and Ellie's face a mask of disbelief and denial.</p><p>'He said he was in love.' he continued quietly. 'Maybe he was romanticizing to justify what he felt. Or...or maybe that's as it was. I-' He shook his head helplessly. 'I mean- I don't have these answers. I don't- People are unknowable and...' he sighed a quick glance towards Miller told him this wasn't helping. 'You can never really know what goes on inside someone else's heart.' he trailed off. The words meant more to him than to anyone else, but this time he found it hard to block out his own feelings</p><p>She didn't notice the change. 'I should have seen it.'</p><p>'How?'</p><p>'I'm a bloody detective.' She knew it was low, but it was the only argument she had. 'Miller the brilliant copper who was lying next to the murderer.' she paused. 'I want to kill him.'</p><p>Though he had known she would, at some point, say this, it didn't hurt any less that, now, she actually did.</p><p>'When did you suspect?'</p><p>His gaze dropped to the floor. 'Last day or so. There was an email account on Danny's missing phone. He only had two contacts. It was just Tom... and Joe, so...'</p><p>She processed that information. There was indeed no chance he could have been suspecting him before. Somehow she was glad for it.</p><p>'All along you said: "Don't trust".'</p><p>'I really wanted to be wrong.' He really did. Seeing Ellie like this he was painfully aware of yet another bunch of lives he had destroyed.</p><p>There was nothing more to be said, they were both aware of that, and yet Ellie was reluctant to leave. There were so many questions she wanted to ask. About Joe, about him, about herself. He wouldn't answer any of them.</p><p>'I- I should go.' she muttered eventually.</p><p>He grabbed her wrist as she stood up, surprising even himself. 'No.'</p><p>She simply watched him.</p><p>'I mean, you shouldn't go out on your own...' he added a bit embarrassed. <em>Nice one, Hardy, you're really good at keeping yourself under control. </em>Of course, he had been caring for her a long time now, that was only natural, but now this happened he felt somehow responsible for her. He had already come through this (more or less), after it turned out his wife had been betraying him, and although his situation might have been a bit different from hers, it was comparable. He could make sure she wouldn't fall as deep as he did, restrain her from making the same mistakes. If only she'd let him help. Which, he was afraid, she wouldn't.</p><p>'I just walked from the Latimers on my own, I think I can manage.' She cracked a smile. 'No need for you to go out.'</p><p>'Just make sure you're not alone.'</p><p>Was he warning her? Maybe. She nodded, though she was not quite sure what he meant.</p><p>He nodded silently and released her. 'Give me a call when you're at the hotel.'</p><p>Ellie opened the door, little surprised that her boss remained motionless on the bed. 'I will.' She promised and she stepped outside.</p><p>'Oh, and Miller?'</p><p>She turned, doorknob in her hand.</p><p>'I'm sorry.'</p><p>She shook her head, not that he could see it: his gaze was still fixed on the ground. 'Good night, Sir.'</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was almost half past six. Tom and Fred Miller were peacefully sleeping in the same bed. From the opposite bed, Oliver's light snoring was filling the room. They had closed the curtains, but the light was left on, painting the room a soft yellow.</p><p>Ellie Miller silently entered the room and locked the door behind her. Tossing her coat on the only unoccupied bed, she walked over to her boys. She ran her hand through Tom's hair and planted a kiss on her younger son's head. No need to wake them up. Olly, on the other hand...</p><p>'Olly!' she hissed, shaking her nephew's arm. 'Oliver!'</p><p>He slowly opened one eye. ' 'sup?' he murmured.</p><p>'I'm back.'</p><p>He snorted. 'I can see that.' Typical... Even when he was still half asleep he always had the ability to show off his sarcasm.</p><p>'Go get some more sleep.' she sighed. The boy didn't even bother to answer.</p><p>Ellie quickly changed into her pyjamas and put her mobile on the bedside table. She'd already called Hardy an hour and a half ago. After she left the Traders it had been much more appealing to head for the beach than to go home and sleep. At the moment it had been a good idea to wait just the right amount of time and to call her boss and then stay at the beach for a few minutes, to think. A few minutes had easily turned into an hour and it was only when she heard the church bells indicating that it was six o'clock that she decided to go back to her room.</p><p>She didn't feel bad about the lie, she decided. It wasn't Hardy's business what she was doing. he was her boss, not her babysitter... Right, he did have a point: She shouldn't be alone. It had felt wrong, lonely, sitting on the cold sand, staring at the waves with only the lullaby of the incoming tide to soothe her.</p><p>No. There was no place in her head for regret. When you don't think of something you can't feel guilty about your actions. So Ellie quickly repressed the memory of Alec's warning.</p><p><em>I won't involve them in my own misery. </em>Resolutely Ellie turned out the lights and walked over to the window. She peeked behind the curtain and her breath caught in her throat. On the street opposite stood Alec Hardy, arms crossed in an angry manner. He looked her right into the eye and held up a mobile phone.</p><p>What? What was he doing here? The bastard must have known she faked the call. Why hadn't he said something? Had he been following her? Could he see her right now?</p><p>Her mobile vibrated.</p><p>She frowned, reaching for the device. She groaned as she read the message.</p><p>
  <em>-Next time, listen to me. Now get some sleep.-</em>
</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>Alec Hardy waited until the lights were turned out and movement was seen behind the window before he pressed send. More movement. Good, that meant she had seen him too.</p><p>He waited another minute, just to be sure she had no intention to leave her room. He had counted the minutes after she'd left. He had assumed that the walk would take her at least twenty minutes, but wouldn't take her more than thirty. So when he got her call after just eighteen minutes he had grown suspicious. Listening carefully to the background noise rather than paying attention to her steady voice, he'd been able to make out the light breeze and crashing of the waves that could only be associated with the beach. He'd been wise enough to end the call normally, while inwardly he was fuming. Little people here trusted him, but he'd thought her to be one of the few did. Was it really that difficult to follow a bit of advice?</p><p>He knew it was. And that made things a lot worse for the former DI. Even though he had been more than slightly disappointed, the urge to protect her from what was coming was stronger. Little chance there were others out there who knew how she felt. Who knew how much worse it could get.</p><p>No. He was the only one obliged to watch over her. Because he knew what was coming. Once he'd been following the same pattern and he could see it forming now, revealing itself with every action and reaction of his DS. A path leading to self-destruction.</p><p>He tucked his phone away in his trouser pockets, turning to walk back to the Trader's and shuddered. He was freezing. Slowly he started to jog to provide himself at least some warmth.</p><p>He hadn't intended to follow Miller. At first he had planned to find her at the beach and tell her to go home. However, he she hadn't been at the beach. Well, not exactly. At first sight the beach had seemed abandoned. It was merely luck that he had the hunch to check the cliffs too. Ellie had once told him it wasn't a suicide spot. And yet she'd been sitting there, staring off into the distance.</p><p>He crossed the empty main road, completely lost in his thoughts, and oblivious to the curb. Before he was aware of what happened he landed shoulder first on the pavement.</p><p>He cursed silently and arduously scrambled back to his feet. Even just standing hurt like hell, let alone walking. It was damn good luck no one had seen this, he thought, as he arrived at the hotel. Grimacing he grabbed his keys reached for the lock.</p><p>'Mister Hardy?'</p><p>Paul Coates stepped out of the dark corner he'd been standing in. The vicar was only clad in his neat black long-sleeved shirt and Hardy immediately wondered why he didn't seem to be affected by the cold. It was obvious he'd been waiting here for a while.</p><p>Hardy looked him up and down again. 'Yes?' it sounded even more grumpy than intended and Paul was taken aback a little by the harsh response. Good.</p><p>'I was standing in the gateway,' he swallowed as Hardy's face hardened. 'And at first I saw DS Miller and Beth, only then Beth went back inside and Ellie ran away. An hour or so later I saw Beth leaving the house again heading for the beach, she does that now and then, but this time she was being followed by someone. She hasn't returned yet.'</p><p>The vicar shuddered as the inspector's brown eyes pierced through his own. Sometimes the man made you wonder if he could see right through you.</p><p>'Oh, and that person had a dog. I thought you might want to know.' he raised his hand in a defensive manner. 'That and... Susan Wright is watching us from behind the cars.' he whispered.</p><p>'Don't look at her.'</p><p>'What is she doing here?'</p><p>Hardy was doing a good job not to give in to the urge to turn and find out what reason Susan Wright had to spy on them. 'I have a few idea's.'</p><p>'OK.' Coates knew Hardy well enough to know he wouldn't tell him whatever he was suspecting. 'I'll just-' he shrugged. 'Go back to the church, I think.'</p><p>'Thanks.' Sometimes Hardy even surprised himself.</p><p>He was rewarded with an approving nod. 'No problem at all, inspector.'</p><p>As sudden as he had appeared, the vicar was gone and left Hardy alone on the doorstep. Right. Next thing to add to his list of suspicious things: a vicar worrying about people being followed by dog walkers.</p><p>Although... He turned and searched to street.</p><p>No-one.</p><p>Susan did have a dog. And Susan was smart enough to watch out for the man standing in the lighted gateway of the chapel. She could have seen him and changed plans, following Paul to see what he would do-</p><p>He shook off the thought immediately. He needed to stay realistic. Beth just needed a bit of fresh air and time alone and to gain that she went to the beach. Nothing wrong with that. So what if some dog walker had followed the same path? Lots of people here had dogs. It were just his earlier confrontations with Susan Wright that made him connect this case, which it wasn't really, with her.</p><p>However, she had been watching him talking to Paul. Which was strange, given that he hadn't seen her in the first place.</p><p>Or maybe he was just getting old. His hand crept up to his chest where he felt the steady beating. It was a miracle he had made it all the way running without getting trouble with his heart, he thought, though it should take less than five minutes for his pulse to slow down to a normal eighty beats per minute.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>!Trigger warning!<br/>Descriptions of selfharm.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Climbing the stairs it was even more difficult to stay quiet, though somehow he managed to restrict the noise to heavy breathing.</p><p>Leaning heavily against the door he fumbled with the keys. His legs were about to give out and he almost fell into the room. He closed the door and stumbled towards the bed, collapsing on the soft mattress. Now his weight wasn't pressing down on his feet they hurt even more. <em>How did that even work?</em> He thought vaguely. It was only logical the pain would be reduced as you took your weight off them...</p><p>He closed his eyes and waited. During his recent heart attacks he had passed out before the pain had become unbearable. He'd been glad he did. However, now, somewhere in the darkest corners of his mind, he savoured this moment. Part of him was thankful for the pain. The overwhelming sensation of an unpleasant feeling that had the rather pleasant ability to drown out everything else.</p><p>Alec Hardy hated pain. He had always claimed it to be a natural fear that only proved he was human, but only after the Sandbrook case and the happenings after, it had really become an issue. At that point the only pain he had felt was mentally: the pain of your heart having been broken. A torture he couldn't escape. Until...</p><p>Until the drinking. That was when it all started. It seemed so easy just to let the alcohol intoxicate his systems. Such a shame he never remembered the short moments of drunken bliss. The drinking had lasted until one night he found himself waking up in an unknown room in the same bed as some blond he didn't even remember having met. After that incident he'd forsworn it forever.</p><p>A few days later, however, he had opened another bottle of whiskey and had consumed half of it before getting aware of what he was doing. Furious as he was he had emptied the bottle and the glass in the sink. He'd always had a strong grip, but this time, under influence of the alcohol, he had squeezed just that bit too hard. The glass had broken in his hand, little pieces sticking into his fingers. Blood mingled with alcohol had been streaming down his hand and had dripped in the sink, while the physical pain took over his senses.</p><p>After a week all the little glass splinters had been removed from his hand. At first it had been satisfying enough to just rub over the little cuts, but after some time they had healed too. Leaving him with nothing to distract him from his broken heart.</p><p>He smiled lightly at the memory and rolled up his left sleeve. Lifting his arm his fingers traced over the white lines. He'd been clean for two months. It would be such a waste to spoil it now without a good reason.</p><p>The worst thing about cutting was that it always remained part of him. He had realized very soon that the cuts were doomed to become tiny, just visible, scars. The fact that he was careful to use a clean blade, afterwards cleaned the cuts and let the wounds heal properly didn't make any difference. When healed, the new skin was just that bit darker than the rest. Every cut was doomed to become a scar.</p><p>Nobody had noticed it at first. But as he cut more often and kept scratching his forearm, just to feel the pain, it became nearly impossible to hide it. He could only wear long sleeved shirts, even during the summer, and eventually people had started to ask questions. Of course he had denied everything.</p><p>There was one thing he had done that turned out to be very clever. He was very consistent in were to cut. That had reduced the damage to only seven long scars on his left forearm. After some time the skin didn't become just a little dark anymore, instead it had turned white. The wounds kept healing, but it took longer every time the blade tore his flesh.</p><p>Hardy opened his eyes, blinking heavily against the light. He only just realized how tired he was. -very explicable given the circumstances- But he couldn't really bring himself to move. The pain in his leg and feet had finally subsided and he was feeling rather comfortable the way he was laying right now, thank you very much.</p><p>Lazily he started to unbutton his shirt, making as little movement as possible, and threw it carelessly on the ground. With less effort than he'd expected he discarded his shoes and socks and kicked them across the room. His hand then went to his trousers, hesitating there. For a moment he considered leaving them on.<br/>
No, he would sleep much better not wearing them. He wriggled out of his trousers and rolled over, putting the covers over his limp body. Within a minute he was fast asleep. As always, the lights were still on.</p><p>Alec Hardy wasn't afraid of the dark, or so he told himself, he just liked his room better with the lights on. That, and most things he didn't want to think about came to him in the dark. He hated thinking of the past, unless it was for a case, but that was easier with the lights on anyway.</p><p>The shadows were another aspect of the dark he didn't like. Not at all. Not one bit. They always seemed to threaten him. They were like ghosts of a far gone past, laughing at him for his loss. In the dark everything seemed worse.</p><p>It hadn't always been like that. It had come as a side effect of the drinking and had never really left him. The drinking, of course, had started after the divorce, when he had heard he would be separated from his daughter and wasn't allowed to see her without her mother's permission. Daisy had only been thirteen back then. The fact that he wouldn't see her for at least five years had broken him.</p><p>Even now, three years later, he was suffering from the effects of that day. It was why he did not want to take the surgery. What was the point of it? What was keeping him alive day after day, he was not sure.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Friendly reminder that harming yourself is never the answer. If you experience these kind of issues, please seek help. These are not things you have to deal with on your own. Talk to a professional or a friend. You can also always send me a message if you want to talk about it with someone anonymously.</p><p>Chibnall's Alec Hardy was already a beautifully broken character and I only made it worse...</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was almost time for dinner when Alec Hardy finally woke up. His whole body felt sore after last night's events, but at least he wasn't tired anymore.</p><p>He yawned and stretched before sitting up and pushing away the covers. He'd never been that much of a morning person, even when it was half pas five in the afternoon, and getting out of bed had always been one of those daily impossible tasks.</p><p>Sitting on the edge of his bed he retrieved his phone from his trouser pocket. Nothing. Miller must either still be sleeping, or not willing to talk to him. He could fully understand both.</p><p><em>Well then</em>, he thought, <em>better get dressed for early dinner</em>. He stood up and walked around the bed, heading for the bathroom. Halfway he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and stopped.</p><p>He looked himself up and down and flinched. His right side was covered with purple-ish blue bruises and a nasty looking flesh wound stained his right shoulder. Strange that he hadn't noticed that before.</p><p>He quickly showered and put on a clean suit. As he was fixing his tie his eye his eyes fell on the papers on the desk. He didn't remember reading the newspapers yesterday, let alone bringing them to his room.</p><p>Distracted he picked up the one on top, the Broadchurch Echo, and checked the date. This edition had been published today, which meant that Becca must have brought it here since she was the only one with a key. He frowned. Why would she do that? Then he realised what the heading of the front page read.</p><p>
  <strong>-Danny</strong>
  <br/>
  <strong>-Local man charged</strong>
  <br/>
  <strong>-Town in shock</strong>
</p><p>Skimming the rest of the article he felt his heart pound loudly in his ears. With every word he read the ace in his chest worsened and anger flared up, burning his cheeks red. When he reached the end, he dropped the newspaper and stared blankly at it.</p><p>It wasn't even a good article. In fact this wasn't even an article at all. This was just a summation of facts for the sake of letting people know every silly detail of what had happened. He had read the police report yesterday and even that would have been less misplaced in the Echo.</p><p>Apart from this, he still felt like he had missed something. He read the page again, but couldn't find what was bothering him.</p><p>'Damn it!' he smacked his own forehead in frustration. 'Think, think, think, think!'</p><p>He started pacing. He was definitely missing something. Something was wrong. Something had been misplaced, but what? All the information the writer had added was correct. Still there was that nagging feeling there was something about the article not right, apart from the article not being an article. The only explanation would be that something was missing.</p><p>He picked up the paper and read the article for the third time, this time comparing the little pieces of information with the ones he had in his head. Locations, right. Statements, right. Suspects, right-</p><p>No, wait! He'd been questioning more people. In fact, only one more.</p><p>Nigel Carter was missing on the list of suspects. Why would they do that? If the author could give such detailed descriptions of the case it was impossible they didn't know that Nigel was being interrogated the same time Joe was making his confession.</p><p>But this still didn't take away the feeling that was bothering him. There must be something else, something he had forgotten.</p><p>'Aaaarhg!' the paper was thrown across the room and landed in the corner next to the bin. Maybe someone else had seen it. He started searching for his phone.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>'Why are you calling me?'</p><p>She heard him groan on the other side and could easily imagine his face right now. 'Have you read the Echo?'</p><p>'You haven't answered my question.' Ellie excused herself with a few gestures and padded to her room.</p><p>'Listen, I'm not going to apologize for following you, if that's what you're aiming for.'</p><p>'So you <em>were</em> following me.' That was another mystery solved.</p><p>'Yes.'</p><p>Good. 'Why?'</p><p>'Did you read the article about the case or not?' he was growing impatient.</p><p>'No, I haven't. Wasn't planning on doing that any time soon.'</p><p>'You should read it.'</p><p>'Now?'</p><p>'If you can, yes.'</p><p>Sighing she made her way back to where her sister was sitting and left again, this time with the Echo. 'Why am I even listening to you?'</p><p>'Don't know.' he chuckled lightly. 'Now read it attentively and tell me what you think.'</p><p>The article was short, but a lot if information had been included, most likely scrambled together by her dear nephew. Sometimes she hated that boy. Reading the unprofessional report of the investigation was enough to make her cry silently again as she saw Joe's name. She swallowed a few times before speaking.</p><p>'It's not really a good report, though they had all the names right. Even Susan Wright is referred to with two names.'</p><p>'OK, anything else?'</p><p>'It's just a simplified list of the investigation. You can barely call this an article.'</p><p>'Did they have all the details correct?'</p><p>'Yeah, I think so.' She scanned the text again. 'No, wait, were is Nigel Carter?'</p><p>'Exactly.' Hardy murmured. 'But they got right everything else, I even think some of it is classified.'</p><p>'Maybe.' she pondered. 'But if it's classified, then how can the press know?'</p><p>'That's what I want you to find out. Go have a nice chat with your nephew.'</p><p>'You are dismissed, sir. And I'm not allowed to work either.'</p><p>She could almost hear him cry out in frustration. 'Did you notice anything strange in the article, Miller?'</p><p>She considered it. 'No. Did you?'</p><p>'Yes.' he replied. 'There is some piece of information missing. I'm forgetting something important, but I can't find what.'</p><p>'What do you want from me?'</p><p>'Ask Oliver where he got all this information. He couldn't have discovered this all by himself.'</p><p>'OK, I'll do it.'</p><p>'Thanks, Miller.' he sounded relieved.</p><p>'Now will you answer my question?'</p><p>'Why I followed you?'</p><p>'Yes.'</p><p>There was a long pause. 'Not now.'</p><p>Well, that was to be expected. 'Right. I'll give you a call when I know more.'</p><p>She ended the call and sat down on her bed. He was right, she thought, tapping her phone on her knee, it Olly couldn't have known all this. She scanned the article again. To be honest, she was quite surprised this had made the front page. Though as a journalist he was an annoying asshole, Olly's articles were always of high quality. She certainly would have never expected her nephew to have written this if it wasn't for his name written on top of it.</p><p>The door slowly opened and Lucy poked her head inside. 'Are you all right?'</p><p>Ellie looked up and nodded.</p><p>Her sister walked in and took a seat next to her. 'Who was that?' she asked hesitantly.</p><p>'Just-' she paused. 'Just somebody.'</p><p>Lucy opened her mouth for a snappy remark and closed it again. 'So, what did this somebody want from you?'</p><p>'Nothing.'</p><p>Silence. Lucy tentatively draped her arm around her sisters shoulders and tugged her closer. 'He's upset you, hasn't he?'</p><p>She turned her head and smiled sadly. 'Not really.'</p><p>'Then why are you crying?'</p><p>'I'm not.'</p><p>'What did he tell you?'</p><p>Ellie shook her head and shook of the arm. 'Don't want to talk about it.'</p><p>Lucy nodded understandingly and got up. 'There's one thing you have to promise me, El. If you want to come through this the sane way, stay away from that boss of yours.'</p><p>She didn't answer, just stared at her. After a few moments Lucy shrugged and left the room. Stay away from Alec Hardy. If someone had told her that three months ago she would have gladly taken that advice. Now, however, something was telling her she should keep him close.</p><p>It was not that she had hated him when they first met. Well, OK, she had hated him a bit. But that was only rational. He'd been given her job and he'd acted like a grumpy impolite child. Later on she understood that was just who he was and after some time she had learned how to handle his mood swings and rude ways he treated others. If she was honest she had started to really like him. She couldn't stay away from him, that just felt wrong.</p><p>This wasn't the time to ponder about her feelings for others, she decided. There were tasks to be completed. Now where could she find Olly?</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>A loud shrieking sound welcomed her into the office. Simultaneously all heads turned in her direction. They all held the same expression: Shock, fear and compassion. But above all, there was disgust. It must be said they were all trying their best to hide it from her and yet that made it all the more painful.</p><p>'Is Oliver here?' much to her surprise she still sounded confident, if only to herself.</p><p>The group parted as she walked further into the office and a few heads were bent when she passed the local journalists. Now she could see why they had all been leaning over the same table. The Echo was placed in the middle, Danny's cold grey eyes staring at the reader.</p><p>'Maggie, where is Oliver?'</p><p>The blonde looked up from the newspaper and sat back in her chair. 'He's out.' she smiled a little. 'Wouldn't want him in here being all restless, so I send him away to get some air.'</p><p>Ellie nodded, vaguely aware of the others who were now openly staring at her. 'So, where do I find him?'</p><p>'Have you tried his phone?' one of the boys offered.</p><p>'He doesn't answer it'</p><p>'If I were you I should take a look on the cliffs.' he laughed. 'He likes to sit there with Karen.'</p><p>'I won't disturb him then.' <em>Oliver and Karen? Since when had they been seeing each other?</em> Ellie decided to keep her questions for later and made for the door. 'Maggie, when you see him, can you ask him to call me?'</p><p>She heard the chair being pulled backwards as the other woman stood up and approached her. 'Is it really true?' she whispered so that no-one else could hear her. 'Was it Joe?'</p><p>Without a second thought Ellie opened the door and stepped outside. She walked away normally until she had rounded the corner. Leaning against the cold stone wall she let the tears stream freely.</p><p>
  <em>Thirty seconds, then you stop this. Before someone sees you, before someone notices.</em>
</p><p>Sniffing she started counting. When she reached thirty she wiped her face with her sleeve and continued her walk home. The wind blew in her face, drying all the remnants of her tears to be replaced with the heavy drops of rain that started to fall more frequently from the sky.</p><p>She didn't want to go home. She would only grow restless and start thinking and worrying all over again. On the other hand, she couldn't have Lucy feeding the kids again and snuggling in a warm comfy blanket with a steaming cup of coffee in her hands sounded just like what she needed right now.</p><p>What she could do, however, was take a longer route home. That would mean ten more minutes amongst people, but also ten less being on her own.</p><p>Her pondering was cut off when someone said her name. Shaking her head to clear it a little she searched for the source. <em>Ah...</em></p><p>'I didn't think I'd see you again so soon.'</p><p>'<em>I</em> didn't think you would still be here.' Ellie replied, increasing her pace.</p><p>'Well, I still have to write about the events after.' She synchronized her steps with Ellie's.</p><p>'I'm not talking to anyone.'</p><p>'I didn't think you would.' Karen flashed her a mouthful of perfect white teeth. 'So, it's true then. How do people behave around you now they've found out?'</p><p>Suddenly the anger took over. Abruptly she stopped, turned and pushed the stunned reporter against the wall. Karen, who had never expected such an amount of strength, was slammed with her head against the solid bricks. Gripping her shoulders, Ellie held her securely trapped.</p><p>'You. Leave. Us. Alone.' she hissed through gritted teeth. 'Understood?'</p><p>Karen nodded rapidly, deciding wisely that that was the only safe thing to do.</p><p>'If there's anything left inside there that has a tiny bit of sense, you leave this town now.' The DS brought her head closer. ' 'Cause if I see you again near anyone I care for, I swear I won't be as gentle as I am right now.'</p><p>Their eyes kept locked for a long moment, Ellie angry, Karen in shock. Finally Ellie loosened her grip and pushed the woman away from her. She shot her a last glance and continued walking.</p><p>'DS Miller?'</p><p>She pretended not to hear her.</p><p>'Stay away from Alec Hardy.' Karen shouted after her. 'That man is toxic, he will only make things worse for you.'</p><p>Again that warning. Why did everybody want to protect her from the former DI? She knew most of the folks here didn't like him because he was so grumpy and rude and impolite. But that had also meant that people rather stayed away from him. She'd been the one he had gotten the closest with and she had never had a reason to keep him away from others.</p><p>OK. Perhaps that wasn't entirely true. She'd wanted to keep him away from Tom. But that had entirely different reasons, such as him using rude language and not being kind in general. Especially after Hardy had interrogated her son and Tom had mentioned that he didn't like his mum's boss, she'd been careful not to let the boy alone in Hardy's presence again.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>By the time Ellie let herself in the hotel, heavy raindrops were falling down and had soaked through her clothes. Shuddering she climbed the stairs and knocked on the door of their room. She was surprised when Tom opened it for her.</p><p>'Hey, sweetheart.' she pulled him into a brief hug before shrugging off her coat. 'How was your day? Where's Lucy?'</p><p>'Aunt Lucy said she would get us dinner.' his voice was trembling. 'Mum?'</p><p>Alerted Ellie examined him. He was on the verge of crying. 'What happened, Tom?'</p><p>'Where is dad?'</p><p><em>Shit.</em> 'Why are you asking?'</p><p>'At school... I-I heard them talking...' he swallowed and breathed deeply to continue. 'They said... They said dad killed Danny.'</p><p>'Who said?'</p><p>'Was it dad?' he was really crying now. 'He did, didn't he? That was why we are here, that's why he isn't.'</p><p>The tears came again, slowly rolling down her cheeks as she nodded quietly. 'I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.' she whispered.</p><p>Tom looked up at her. The look on his face worried her, almost scared her. His were eyes wet and watery, but his gaze resembled anger and a deep hatred.</p><p>'Why?'</p><p>She shook her head. 'I don't know.'</p><p>'I hate him.' his voice was thick from crying. 'How can I hate him?'</p><p>'I don't know.' What else could she say?</p><p>He threw himself in his mother's arms and she embraced him. 'Do you hate him too, mum?'</p><p>'I think I do.' she stroke Tom's hair lightly in a comforting manner. 'Yes, I think I do hate him. How can I still love someone who's killed an innocent boy?'</p><p>He snorted at that. 'Danny isn't innocent.'</p><p>'Not guilty enough to be sentenced to death.' she smiled through the tears. 'At least, that's what I hope.'</p><p>'No.' her son admitted.</p><p>She pulled him even closer and they remained like that until Tom pulled away. 'Tomorrow is the funeral.'</p><p>'I know.' Yes, now she remembered. She had been invited, but she had forgotten to ask Hardy if he would go. To be honest, she didn't expect him to have gotten an invitation.</p><p>'I don't want to go.' Tom had stopped crying as well and was wiping his eyes.</p><p>'Why not?'</p><p>'They hate me.' He lowered his voice. 'Danny will hate me.'</p><p>'He won't.' she tried to reassure him. 'I think he wants you to come.'</p><p>He shrugged. 'The whole class is going.'</p><p>'Then you should go with them.' She squeezed his hand.</p><p>He stayed quiet, but eventually nodded. 'Can I just be alone now, mum?'</p><p><em>Just make sure you're not alone.</em> The voice of Alec Hardy warned her. Well, he couldn't have meant it like this. It was logical that Tom wanted to be alone for awhile. After all he'd just gotten a whole lot of information to progress.</p><p>'Of course, love.' she smiled weakly at him. 'I'll call you when dinner's ready, OK?'</p><p>She watched Tom disappear into the bedroom and then dialled Hardy's number. 'Come on...'</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>If Becca Fisher had been surprised that Hardy asked her for dinner at five o'clock in the afternoon, she had hidden it very well. Being her normal cheerful self she even started to prepare him something herself.</p><p>'Long night, sir?'</p><p>'You could say that, yeah.' He sat down at the bar and yawned. 'Haven't slept that much in a long time to be honest.'</p><p>'You look better.' she shot him a bright smile. 'Less tired.'</p><p>He leaned his elbows on the bar and rubbed his eyes with his knuckles. 'I've had better days.' he mumbled.</p><p>Becca suddenly stopped in her tracks and leaned down to face him. 'How did you know it was him?'</p><p>Frowning he sat back and studied her. As always he could easily read her emotions off her face, she was genuinely interested.</p><p>'I'm not asking to have something tell the press.' she shrugged. 'Besides, most of them have left now that the case is closed.'</p><p>'It's confidential.' he answered briefly. Though there was something about that information that begged his attention. If only he knew what…</p><p>After that it stayed quiet. Becca silently served him dinner and he started stowing it in his mouth as if he hadn't eaten for days, which was, in fact, very close to the truth. He had been checking his phone almost every ten minutes, but it remained lifeless. He supposed Olly was nowhere to be found then. Or maybe Miller wouldn't call him at all. They were both off duty, so she did have no reason to obey his orders. Even if the mentioned orders had been a friendly request. Well, maybe not so friendly. For others nothing he did seemed to be friendly. That was why he didn't have friends in Broadchurch.</p><p>Not that he wanted to have friends. Having friends was always accompanied by lots of complicated stuff. You had to visit them once in a while, listen to their nagging about their little life problems and be nice to them. Before you knew it you were caring for them and once you'd reached that stage it only could be used against you.</p><p>OK, maybe he did have a few friends. It was nothing compared to the club he had been hangng out with all those years ago, but he surely did have a few persons who might fall into that category. Though not in Broadchurch. That had been one of the requirements for his new job. No-one somehow related to him would be involved.</p><p>Alone was better, he thought. Being on your own meant less responsibilities, only yourself to look after and take care of. Alone was what protected him. Alone was what had formed him, made him who he was now. A shell. A shadow of what he once had been before his world had been ripped apart by the one person he had loved most. That had been the final proof. No-one is to be fully trusted. There's only one person from whom it's known what they're up to. Only one person you can always and completely rely on. Yourself.</p><p>Yes, he did have serious trust issues.</p><p>People did trust him. Not instantly, not entirely, not expecting anything in return. They were always quite careful around him not to blurt out too much personal information. To be honest, he liked it that way.</p><p>That barrier had been broken when he was invited to have dinner at Miller's house. She had made it very clear that she didn't want to, but was being forced by her husband. He had been reluctant to accept the invitation, but she'd insisted and eventually he had given in. It was something he hadn't done in a while, but it went better than expected. It felt right, good even, to exchange a little bit of personal information, reveal a bit of who he was. Too good for his liking. He wanted to keep himself distant, alone, but now he could see the carefully placed walled crumble to dust. When he realized this, she had already come to close. One barrier had to remain to keep them both on the safe side. And then he'd even crossed that line.</p><p>Ellie. He did like her name, though he would never admit it to her. Intuitively he had used it when he had to confront her with her husbands confession to the murder. It had never been his intention, he had just said it because it seemed right at that moment. Names were meaningless to him. It didn't add anything to your daily life if you used someone's name. He hated names, most of all his own.</p><p>It took him ten full seconds and a nudge from Becca to realize his phone was making noise. He hastily apologized to Becca for the disturbance and exited the hotel.</p><p>'Miller?'</p><p>'It's Joe.'</p><p>'What?' he crossed the street, carefully this time. 'I know it was him.'</p><p>'No, that's what we're missing. Joe.'</p><p>He looked around to make sure he was alone and could talk freely. 'What do you mean?'</p><p>'They all know.'</p><p>'How do you mean, they all know?' as soon as the words left his mouth it hit him and he gasped. 'Oh...'</p><p>'His name was in the papers.' He could hear her pacing.</p><p>'No, no, no...' he smacked himself for his stupidity. 'That was confidential. Believe me, I never named Joe as the killer, not during the statement, not during the press conference, not where anyone beside the police could hear me.'</p><p>She sighed. 'I know you wouldn't do that.'</p><p>'But how?' he felt anger rising. 'How has this happened? And why didn't we notice?'</p><p>'I just understood it when I saw Tom.'</p><p>Hardy nodded. 'Of course. His whole class must have known it. Everyone knows it.'</p><p>'They confronted him with it before I even had the chance to explain.' she paused. 'Not that there's anything to explain...'</p><p>'At least he would have heard it from his own mother.'</p><p>She swallowed loudly and cleared her throat. 'The funeral is tomorrow.'</p><p>'I know.'</p><p>'Are you going?'</p><p>'No.' He'd torn up the invitation when he received it, deciding he shouldn't hurt the family any more. Besides, he hated funerals, they were too definite.</p><p>'I don't want to go either.'</p><p>'Then don't.' he said softly.</p><p>He heard the light rustle of sheets on the other end and assumed she was sitting on the bed. 'Can I see you tomorrow?'</p><p>For a split second he hesitated. 'Highest priority now is me having an appointment with Jenkinson. I want to know what went wrong with the confidentiality of all this. I'll call her immediately.'</p><p>'Right.' she sounded disappointed, if only slightly. 'That's OK. That's fine. I'll just-'</p><p>'Miller!'</p><p>She fell silent and he smiled. 'I'll pick you up on my way back.'</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>He knocked three times, three short raps of his knuckles against the wood. He counted the time it took her to open the door. After ten seconds exactly his boss was standing right in front of him and was looking him up and down.</p><p>'Come in.' she said finally.</p><p>He briskly walked past her and slammed the newspaper on the desk.</p><p>Raising an eyebrow at his behaviour Jenkinson closed the door behind him and took place on her rather comfortable office chair.</p><p>'Have you read it?' he asked.</p><p>She nodded positively. 'Right after I got your call.' She reached for the paper. 'Though I don't exactly understand why you're doing this.'</p><p>'There's been a murder, a local man has been charged and I've been told that, at least for now, the name of the murderer is confidential and therefore not allowed to be given free to the press. And instead it's everywhere in the papers!' he was talking louder and louder. 'The whole goddamn town knows who has killed Danny Latimer.'</p><p>'Alec,' Jenkinson tried to interrupt him.</p><p>'What's wrong with you lot? Don't you understand how this effects the families? Aren't they in enough trouble yet?' furiously he slammed his hands on the desk. He might need to calm down very soon if he wanted to prevent another heart attack. Taking deep breaths through his nose he took a few steps backwards.</p><p>'This information wasn't provided to anyone outside the police station.' The Chief Superintendent sighed. 'I can ensure that.'</p><p>'Then how has this found its way into the papers?'</p><p>'That's what we're trying to find out. I've send someone to charge Oliver Stevens, but we haven't found him yet. The article names him as the author.' she indicated the paper.</p><p>'Which is completely illogical considering the fact that this case concerns his own uncle.' Hardy started pacing. 'Why would he write something like that about his own family?'</p><p>Jenkinson thought about it, her eyes scanning the document for clues. 'I don't know.'</p><p>'Don't you see?' he looked down at her. 'He didn't.'</p><p>She stared at him, unimpressed.</p><p>'The question we have to ask now is "who did?" and "how did the work end up with Oliver's name on top of it?"' he stopped pacing and leaned against the cupboard, racking his mind for possibilities.</p><p>'<em>We</em> will answer the questions, Alec, not you.' She was looking up at him with cold blue eyes. She was dead serious.</p><p>He glared at her in response. Very childish of him.</p><p>'You surely remember passing out in the middle of a mission?'</p><p>He grunted. Of course he did. Not something you would forget so easily.</p><p>'I told you to have your office cleaned by the end of the day.' He know what was coming. 'You still need to do that. When you have fully recovered we can talk about your job again. Do you know what that means?'</p><p>He nodded, defeated. 'Get surgery, get my job back.'</p><p>'Not just that, Alec.' she warned him. 'This time I'll have you pass the psychic before you set a foot in your office again. Without passing out.' she added. 'I'm not taking any risks with you.'</p><p>'That's all?' he asked, getting more irritated with every passing minute.</p><p>'Almost.' she stood up. 'You're not allowed to work. I'll have to ask you to return your badge and weapon. You can leave it on your desk once you've cleaned it.'</p><p>'But the case?' he protested, turning as she strode past him towards the door. 'What are you going to do about it? Who is going to do this?'</p><p>'I believe we have managed without you before.' she calmly stated. 'As for who is going to be on the case: we got ourselves a new DI. He is fully capable of investigating this and when we find the source of the problem we'll just continue our normal daily tasks.'</p><p>'A new DI?' he frowned. 'And who might that be?'</p><p>'His name is Jonathan Davis and he's none of your business. He starts this week.' she raised her eyebrows questioningly. 'Why?'</p><p>Hardy inhaled slowly and bit his lip. Then, all of a sudden, he brushed past her and escaped the room.</p><p>'Where are you going?'</p><p>He ran down the stairs and knocked over Brian from SOCO on his way out.</p><p>'Sorry!' he didn't even look back. As soon as he was outside he stopped and let the cool air wash over him.</p><p>He inhaled sharply, collecting his thoughts. Last time he had seen Jon Davis he had been boarding a Boeing to fly off to America. Next thing he heard was that the plane had crashed. He'd always assumed Davis had been dead. There had even been a ceremony he hadn't attended because he had still been too heartbroken.</p><p>Leaned heavily on his knees he tried to prevent himself from hyperventilating. Jon... His one and only friend back at the academy. The only person that had bothered to offer him help when he was falling.</p><p>He had died in a plane crash! He couldn't be here.</p><p>Panic was taking over his senses and he was losing control over his breath. Quick takes of breath had him hyperventilating in merely seconds. No, no, no! This wasn't real!</p><p>'Oi, sir!' Someone ran upon him and gripped his arm, quickly steadying him. It was Brian. 'Deep breaths, exhale slowly!'</p><p>He escorted him back inside and grabbed a plastic bag from one of the desks handing it to Hardy. 'Use this.'</p><p>Gladly he accepted the item and was soon able to reduce his breathing to normal. 'Thanks.' he coughed a few times and wiped his mouth, discarding of the plastic object by throwing it in the nearby bin.</p><p>'Not a problem at all, sir.' Brain scratched the back of his head, surveying him. 'Are you sure you're all right?'</p><p>'Yeah.' he nodded. 'I'm fine.'</p><p>The two men kept eye contact for another ten seconds before Brian nodded. 'Then if you will excuse me, I've got things to do.'</p><p>Hardy watched him disappear, feeling the other people in the room stare at him. He flinched. Maybe not such a good idea to go upstairs again. He'd rather not justify his actions to Jenkinson right now, even more now Brian would definitely tell her what had just happened.</p><p>Resolutely he walked out of Broadchurch Police Station and got back in his car. He pushed the keys in the lock and fastened his seatbelt. Drumming on the steering wheel he waited. What for, he didn't know. Reluctant to drive he just sat there, staring into the distance.</p><p>He pulled out his phone, turning it around in his hand. He should call Miller that he was picking her up in about thirty minutes.</p><p>Slide to unlock, lock, slide to unlock, lock.</p><p>Sighing he threw the device on the passenger's seat and slummed back in his seat. He couldn't bear it to speak to her now.</p><p>No, that was not true. Not entirely. He didn't want her to notice his fear.</p><p>Because he was scared. He was terrified of the chance he could be seeing his old friend again. Hadn't he left everything behind, hadn't he come to this town because no-one here knew anything about him? If Jon was alive everything would be different. Things would get very very complicated.</p><p>Couldn't it be another Jonathan Davis?</p><p>It wasn't a very common name, though.</p><p>We live in a big world, there must be another Jonathan Davis somewhere, right?</p><p>Did he secretly wish his once best friend was dead permanently?</p><p>No, he decided, he would do anything to have his old friend back, but not like this, not now. Not now he had people trusting him. Not when he needed that trust if he wanted to help <em>her</em>.</p><p>Rubbing his eyes to wipe any restraints from tears that might have been filling his eyes, he picked up the phone again. Miller was his priority now. He could dieal with his own problems later.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Jonathan Davis is my own original character. Next chapter will introduce him further.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>!Trigger warning!<br/>Mentions of selfharm</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He decided he wouldn't drive right now. He was too mixed up to drive safely and he couldn't risk having to hand in his driver license too.</p><p>She almost immediately answered the call. 'Alec?'</p><p>He groaned. 'Miller.'</p><p>'Sorry, Sir.' he could hear her smile. 'How was the appointment?'</p><p>'Fine.' he grumbled. 'Can you come down to the beach?'</p><p>'Yeah, give me thirty minutes.'</p><p>He slumped back against the window and closed his eyes. Memories kept floating to the surface. Memories he didn't even remembered having. But it seemed right, because together they told the story. His story, back when Jonathan was still alive.</p><p>He was sitting next to Jon in the classroom, laughing at the other students who got it all wrong. The teacher came up to them and praised their work, warning them that next time they should complete their task alone.</p><p>The last day at the academy. They patted each other's back, proudly grinning because they had made it. At the exit Jon got that ridiculous smile on his face. Smugly he pushed him in Tess' direction. He tripped over, gripping her arm to prevent himself from falling. As he saw her face, smiling brightly at him and helping him up, he felt his cheeks burn. Stumbling backwards he muttered his apologies. She laughed and said it didn't matter. In the corner of his eyes Jon was giving him the thumbs up. He asked her out. She said yes.</p><p>Their wedding. Jon had put so much work in the best man's speech. The realization that his friend knew him so well had brought him to tears. Tess took his hand in hers and with the other gently dried his face. He would never forget Jon's face when he kissed his wife. He was beaming at him so proudly, the atmosphere around him seemed to glow. It was the best day of his life.</p><p>He was sleeping on the couch after a football match. Jonathan, now married too, had let him sleep there. In the middle of the night he came downstairs to check on him. Together they sat by the lit fire and they talked. They talked until the sun rose and the orange gleam lighted the room. When Melanie, Jon's wife, came downstairs in the morning, she found them drooped over each other on the couch. She let them sleep. Later she told him that the picture she'd secretly taken of them had gotten a special place in her diary.</p><p>Together they sat by her bed in the hospital. Melanie's once long brown hair had been cut short and in places had even fallen out due to the medicines she'd been given. The chemo didn't help, her physical state was worsening every day. Nevertheless she carried on to live as happy as possible, always greeting them brightly when they came to visit her, which was every day. Until the doctor's told her it was hopeless. Her body was killing itself, there was nothing they could do. Eventually she'd been released from the hospital. Jonathan found her when he came home and had called him. Immediately he, Tess and the little Daisy had come. They'd agreed to make best of Melanie's last weeks and they had rented a little cottage at the beach. It was that summer that she died peacefully in her sleep.</p><p>Many night's Jon had spent at their house, unable to get back home where all the memories freely lived. At last they'd gotten him a flat elsewhere, though Jon still preferred to stay with the Hardy's at night. He suffered terrible nightmares, Hardy himself did too, and so they found themselves sitting on the couch together many nights.</p><p>After Melanie's loss, he had wrapped himself up in his work. Using it as a distraction from his everyday life. The memories were haunting him at night, but he found comfort in Tess' arms. She murmured soothing words in his ears, stroking his back as he curled up by her side.</p><p>Eventually time had healed most of the wounds. The contact between him and Jon had faltered because they dedicated all their time to their work. Then he got the Sandbrook case. It was on the day Daisy celebrated her thirteenth birthday. Two girls had been found on a beach, sisters, both dead. He was called in immediately as DI and Tess with him as DS.</p><p>He was sitting on the stairs. Head in his hands as he did nothing to keep himself from crying. He was angry, so very angry. And yet he had made his decision. There was nothing he could do now. Silently Jon sat down next to him. Close enough so that he could reach out to touch him, but not forcing it on him. Jon didn't have answers, he just was there for him and that was enough.</p><p>Jon was there for him when he ended up at his house, completely wasted. He was there to hold him when he threw up the morning after. And he still wanted to help him all those upcoming nights. Jon kept him stable.</p><p>'You're not drunk.' Jon pointed out the other night, but let him in anyway. He sat down on the couch, trembling. Jonathan didn't hear him out like others would do. He just kept him company until he fell asleep. The next morning he still didn't ask what happened as he carefully removed most of the little glass splinters from his hand.</p><p>It seemed to have taken more than a year, but finally the summer was over. 'You look like a ghost.' Jonathan commented. He scratched his arm under his long shirt, ignoring him. Instead he lowered his gaze to the ground until he felt the other sit down next to him. 'Give me your hand.' Jon ordered. He'd rolled up his sleeve and revealed the red marks. He didn't say anything, but his eyes told him everything he needed to know: 'Promise me you'll stop this, please...'</p><p>Two months later Jonathan boarded the Boeing 707, destination: New York. He'd watched in silence and turned his back as the plane left the earth. Next morning he heard the news: the plane had crashed. Resolutely he got up and searched all his knives and threw them in the bin.</p><p>Then he had packed his bags, left the flat, and placed the key under the doormat. He would never come back here. He made a single call and drove away. To Broadchurch.</p><p>Hardy jumped as someone knocked on the window. He quickly wiped his eyes and opened the door. He greeted Miller as he stepped out of the car.</p><p>'Are you all right Sir?' she silently asked.</p><p>'Yeah.' he smiled half-heartedly. 'Got a bit lost in my thoughts, that's all.'</p><p>She bit her lip, but didn't made any further attempts to hear him out why he, clearly, had been crying. He was glad for it.</p><p>He locked the car and gestured towards the sea. 'Shall we take walk?'</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>'I still think we're forgetting something.' He ruffled through his thick hair. 'Something even more important than the name that's given free. Jenkinson didn't even seem upset about it... There must be something, but I just can't grasp it.'</p><p>He hadn't wanted to take the risk to drive, so he had called Ellie and, sitting in his car, had waited for her to show up. From there they had taken a walk over the beach. As they were strolling along he had recited his conversation with the CS up to the part where she had announced the new DI.</p><p>'The case isn't closed.' he finally stated. 'Not really. It shouldn't be, if only to understand why someone is taking such a huge risk to alter the information that goes to the press.'</p><p>She had been listening to him half-heartedly. She was used to his social skills, or the lack of them, and hadn't expected him to notice she was very upset. If he did, he hadn't pointed it out. 'Why didn't you tell Jenkinson about this?'</p><p>'I did try.' he said grumpily. 'But before I could make my point it turned out in an argument she won by reminding me of being suspended until I'm fit enough to pass the bloody psychic.'</p><p>'I thought you only were to talk with Jenkinson about his name given free. Why are you telling me all this?' she asked sceptically. 'It's not like I can do anything 'bout it.' She pushed her hands in her pockets and slowed down her pace, not wanting to walk over the spot were Danny had been found, especially not on a day like this.</p><p>Hardy noticed it but wisely kept his comments for himself. He followed her as they made their way around the place the boy had been laying. He didn't think of it as necessary, but he knew Ellie would appreciate it if he showed some respect. He rolled his eyes as a single tear almost escaped her. Always so sensitive.</p><p>'I thought you would want to know.' he said as soon as there was enough distance between them and the 'silent spot', as he called it.</p><p>'Is that so?'</p><p>He shrugged. 'And I want your opinion.'</p><p>'I don't know, Sir.' Not that she tried to understand what he had told her let alone form an opinion. 'Honestly.' Her voice trembled.</p><p>'What?' he turned his head to look at her. She wasn't crying. Not yet.</p><p>'It's just Beth.' she took a deep breath to strengthen her voice. 'She used to be my best friend. We were almost like family. I thought I could trust her. We always told each other everything. But now, after Joe...' she trailed off.</p><p>Hardy gestured to a bench under the cliffs and they sat down. He made sure there was enough distance between the two off them to feel comfortable, while he was close enough to comfort her when necessary.</p><p>'I wanted to talk with her that night. I hoped, against better judgement, that she would understand. She didn't even try, only stared at me in disbelief. "How could you not know" that's all she said.'</p><p>He nodded, he'd been right to think the two would fall out. Beth didn't forgive that easily. It would take her a while to make up her mind about what happened. Miller, on the other side, was so openly shocked and devastated that he found it hard to believe that anyone would suspect her to have known the truth all along.</p><p>'Why am I even telling you this?' She already regretted it and felt very vulnerable. After all, he could use everything against her.</p><p>'I don't know.' Yes he did know. The pattern was repeating itself, only with different time lapses, only now he was not the subject.</p><p>'Maybe you just need to talk about it. Get it all out.' She could be mistaken, but maybe his voice was even friendly.</p><p>They both stared at the sea for a while. The incoming tide carried stronger waves, throwing them at the beach where they crashed on the sand. She didn't bother to respond, still thinking about his words. Maybe a psychiatrist would do? She instantly discarded the thought. Too easy. Besides, she knew most of the tricks.</p><p>'Miller?' the hesitant grumble of Hardy interrupted her thoughts. 'Do you think of me as a friend?'</p><p>He kept his eyes fixed on one point and a light blush crept up his cheeks. She couldn't help but smile a little. Speaking of lack of social skills. But at least she knew he was being honest with her, and he really wasn't at all sure what their relation was. Now she thought about it, neither did she.</p><p>'Suppose that I do,' she carefully begun, not sure what answer was suitable. 'Is this a mutual friendship?'</p><p>The DI frowned, fumbling with his hands.</p><p>'I mean, do you think of me as a friend. A friend being someone you know well and like and trust.' she added helpfully. She could almost hear his brain work.</p><p>'Do you?' he avoided answering.</p><p>She nodded thoughtfully. 'Yeah... Though I don't know you that well.'</p><p>'I don't want anybody to really know me.' he scoffed. 'But yes, I do. Think of you as a friend, I mean.'</p><p>Ellie couldn't help but giggle at his clumsiness. 'Sometimes, Alec Hardy, you are impossible.'</p><p>Upon seeing the indignant look he shot her she patted his upper arm. 'Now was that so difficult to say?'</p><p>'That's, Was this so difficult to say, Sir, for you.'</p><p>'I don't have to call you Sir anymore.' She shot him a mock glare.</p><p>'Well,' he sighed, trying to hide his grin. 'You're still not calling me Alec.'</p><p>They laughed and then fell silent again.</p><p>'Alec- Sir?' she quickly corrected herself, knowing that his name was not something to make fun of. 'Don't you think I'm untrustworthy because of Joe?'</p><p>'It wasn't your fault.' he answered. 'There was no way you could have known what happened. So, no, I would trust you with my life.' He frowned thoughtfully. 'Though I hope that won't be necessary.'</p><p>She nodded, reassured a bit, and watched the waves roll up the sand and withdraw in a constant motion. <em>The water can't escape</em>. she realized. <em>I can't escape. It doesn't matter where I go, there will always be something to remind me of Danny and Joe...</em></p><p>'Would you mind if I'd talk to you?'</p><p>'You mean about what happened?' he softened his voice. 'I honestly don't think that's an good idea. You know my reactions to what you say and feel are not always correct. I'll only upset you and make things worse.'</p><p>Of course he wanted to help her. He only wanted to hear her say it. Maybe it was very selfish of him, but he needed her to realize he could in fact help her and that she maybe might need him. Besides, what he said was true, comforting people wasn't really his area.</p><p>'You're the only one I trust who can still look me in the eye without compassion or hatred.'</p><p>'That's not true. Coates still thinks the same about you, and he's not the only one.'</p><p>'Alec,' it sounded almost like a plea. 'You will understand me, I just know you will. I've been able to put up with you and your comments for more than 2 months now. I won't be offended because you're a rude childish bastard.'</p><p>He seemed almost pleased to hear that. 'I know I am.' he sighed. 'If you're sure you want me to do that for you, I won't misuse your trust.'</p><p>'Thank you.' It wouldn't be easy for her to open up to him completely, but this was at least a start.</p><p>It wasn't very nice of him to fake innocence, but what should he have done otherwise? If he seemed too eager to help her she might flee. Maybe this was the best way.</p><p>Why did he feel obliged to help her? Was he feeling too protective? He decided not to have that discussion with himself right now and quickly changed the subject.</p><p>'Jenkinson told me something else.'</p><p>She started rubbing her hands together against the cold. 'Oh?'</p><p>'They've already found a new Detective Inspector.' His gaze fixed on her hands, vaguely distracted by the movement.</p><p>'Good for them.' she snorted. 'Never thought it would take her long to find replacements.'</p><p>'She told me I can pick up my old job as soon as I'm...' he didn't want to talk about that now.</p><p>'They did promise me the same thing once.' she nudged him. 'I'm looking at the result.'</p><p>He laughed. 'Well, in the end, was it really that bad to work with me?'</p><p>She smiled. 'No.'</p><p>'And now honestly?'</p><p>'You're a real git sometimes.' she eyed him. 'But you're a good cop, and it was good to work with you.'</p><p>He just nodded and watched as she intensified the rubbing and blew on her slightly blue fingers. He brought his own ones to his face and touched the little bit of bare skin on his cheeks.</p><p>'Give me your hands?' he asked before he could really think about what he was doing.</p><p>Apprehensively she gave him one hand. 'That's just not fair!' she looked at him unbelievably. 'How can your hands be so warm? Mine are freezing!'</p><p>He chuckled. 'I can see that.' he closed his hands around hers and resumed the rubbing, waiting for the cold to slowly subside.</p><p>'Good thing nobody's around then.' Ellie suddenly giggled.</p><p>He quickly released her. 'I'm sorry. I didn't know it made you feel uncomfortable.'</p><p>Ellie awkwardly pushed her hand between her knees and shifted away few centimetres. 'No, no, it isn't that- You know, just people do always assume things when they see two others doing... things.'</p><p>'Yeah.' he jammed his hands in his pockets. 'I guess they do.'</p><p>'It was not-'</p><p>'It wasn't.'</p><p>'OK.' she leaned back and mirrored his position, pushing her hands inside of the pockets of her enormous orange coat. 'So what do we do now?'</p><p>'That's what I'm asking myself all the time.'</p><p>Silence. He shouldn't have said that. This was about her, not about him.</p><p>'Why didn't you go to the funeral?' she asked curiously.</p><p>He bit his lip and pondered whether he should lie or not. 'I just hate endings.' he finally said.</p><p>'Who doesn't?'</p><p>'Fair point.' he sighed. Maybe she would find it easier to open up to him if he spoke the truth. Maybe she even deserved that he told her some of the things that were going on inside his head. She most certainly didn't deserve to be lied to. Still there was a difference between lying and not telling. That was good.</p><p>'As you know I'm not very good at emotions.' he began. 'I've never really been, I've always seen so much further than the surface.'</p><p>As she frowned he continued. 'People have layers.' he explained. 'The surface always shows us what we want to see. If given more than just a glance it shows us what the person want us to see. But I chose not to see just that, I searched for something deeper, more them. I looked for the ultimate truth, the purest of human emotion, but I found none.</p><p>'People always hide their true feelings. They keep it safely locked away in the corners of their mind. Sometimes it's because they don't want to bother others, sometimes it's because they're lying.</p><p>'I wanted to know how to discover the real person that is hiding behind that mask, so I started practising. First of all I watched myself in the mirror every evening, taking notes of what I saw and with what emotion it corresponded. The truth always lies behind the eyes.'</p><p>Ellie was still frowning, but she also was listening with interest. 'So what you're saying is that you only see our inner emotions by looking at our eyes?'</p><p>'Kind of.' he felt a little dumb for his explanation. He surely sounded like he was making it up. 'I'm always getting a bit irritated when I can't see people's eyes. I guess that's partly why I act like such a bastard sometimes.'</p><p>'Only partly?'</p><p>He looked at her questioningly. 'Tell me, why would people hide certain feelings?'</p><p>'They don't want them to be pointed out by everyone?' she suggested.</p><p>'That's one of the reasons.' he nodded. 'Why do you hide your feelings?'</p><p>She visibly swallowed.</p><p>Hardy kept looking at her as she made up an answer, wondering if she would tell him.</p><p>'Because I'm scared that people might think I'm weak.' she whispered.</p><p>'A good reason indeed.' he nodded. 'Another important one is that one doesn't want others to know what they are feeling because it can be used against them. In that case they're most likely lying.'</p><p>'How does this answer my question?' she crossed her arms.</p><p>He shifted so that they mirrored positions again and then remembered where this conversation had started. 'Especially at happenings as funerals people are showing their real feelings. Hurt, anguish, fear, that sort of things. I will always try to look further than the surface and therefore be very impolite, causing people pain. I don't want to do that. Besides, I think I've done more than enough damage to your community.'</p><p>It was silent again as she progressed that bit of information. 'You said you didn't like endings.' she pointed out. 'What did you mean by that?'</p><p>He didn't answer. Did he even know what he meant by that? Endings were a daily thing, everything had its end, but the end of life was so definite. A friendly reminder of the higher forces that life was short and dead was luring around every corner.</p><p>'What do you see when you look at me?' Ellie interrupted his thoughts.</p><p>He observed her quickly. 'You're scared, confused, discouraged,' he paused. 'and so very angry.'</p><p>She pulled her knees to her chest, avoiding his gaze. 'What about you?'</p><p>He raised his eyebrows in response. 'Sorry?'</p><p>'How are you feeling?' she clarified.</p><p>'I don't know.' he shuffled his feet in the sand.</p><p>'Liar.'</p><p>He couldn't help but smile. 'I'm scared too.' he admitted.</p><p>'What for?'</p><p>'Many things.' he said vaguely. 'Not knowing what will happen next being one of them.'</p><p>'What about the others?'</p><p>'Not important.' he grunted. 'I don't want to talk about it.'</p><p>The sun had reached the horizon and was graciously sinking into the blue see, painting the cloudy sky pink and orange. He noticed that his stomach was rumbling and absentmindedly regretted not having taken the opportunity to fetch lunch earlier.</p><p>He sat up. 'We should go and find something to eat.'</p><p>'I never thought I would hear you say such a thing.' Ellie smiled at him and accepted his extended hand.</p><p>'You just assume that I don't eat, don't you? Now you can see for yourself.' Hardy pulled her to her feet and started to follow the same path back. 'That is, of course, if you don't have other responsibilities right now?'</p><p>Laughing softly she shook her head. 'Tom's with his class, they eat at school today, and I've left Fred with Lucy again.'</p><p>'Good.'</p><p>'So, what do you think? Chips?'</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This was actually the first part that I wrote for this fic.<br/>I love their awkwardness when they try to reach out to each other.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The crowd was walking a silent march through the streets. They were carrying torches, holding them up to enlighten their path, that was the same path Danny had followed on his last evening on earth. The leader of the group was holding a flashlight. He guided the group of people towards a symbolic funereal pile and waited until they all gathered around the wood.</p><p>Even from their place on the boardwalk Alec could make out it was Paul Coates leading the procession. He lightly shook his head and turned away from the spectacle behind them. The night had fallen completely now and stars were peeking through the thin overcast that was hanging above them.</p><p>He fiddled with his hands, folding and unfolding them in his lap. Miller was sitting next to him on the cold bench, gaze fixed on the ground. Her whole body was tense, her arms crossed tightly as if to hold herself together. He felt the strange urge to drape an arm around her shoulders and pull her close. An urge he definitely shouldn´t act upon.</p><p>'What do you do now?' He'd wanted to ask her earlier, but there hadn't been a right moment. He didn't even know if he wanted to know the answer.</p><p>She huffed, raising her head to speak. 'Go somewhere else, give the kids a fresh start.' she almost unnoticeable shrugged.</p><p>He looked at her and shook his head lightly, making eye contact. 'Your place is here.'</p><p>'How can I walk down the high street now?' she sighed, quickly changing the subject. 'How about you?'</p><p>He breathed in deeply, averting his gaze from hers. 'Oh, I'm done. Medical, though, it's all over.'</p><p>Ellie smiled. 'Look at us.' she said. 'Former detectives club.'</p><p>She didn't even attempt to make it sound like a joke. Why would she? It was the truth. Her smile disappeared as soon as it had came and she stared at the ground once more. 'You've given up then?'</p><p>'What can I do?'</p><p>'Get to work.'</p><p>'Jenkinson will handle it.' he pouted slightly. 'This is not the place I should be.'</p><p>'Just hours ago you were determined to get on with the case.' she protested. 'What's changed since then?'</p><p>Everything had changed since then. Someone was sabotaging the aftermath of a case and he was unable to do anything because his heart was giving out. And then people were coming back from the death. Of course he wanted this case not to be over, but at the moment he found himself too afraid to think of it.</p><p>Stretching his long legs he flinched. All of the sudden his fall came back to him, the effects painfully throbbing on his side. Everything was coming back to him now, every memory hurting even more than the previous one. It was that feeling you have when everything seems to be against you. The sickening sensation of despair.</p><p>He licked his lips, bracing himself for the next lie. 'Nothing. There's nothing to keep me here, is there?'</p><p>'You're probably right.' she sighed and silence fell over them again.</p><p>'I'm going to take you home.' Hardy announced after a while. 'Tom will come back soon now.'</p><p>Without complaining she stood up and together they walked back to the car park.</p><p>Silently she nudged his arm to free his hand from his jacket and slipped her hand in his.</p><p>It almost felt natural, the way their hands were clasped together, swinging lightly between them and he couldn't find himself to pull away. For others that might have been around them, it must have seen like a romantic gesture, but that just wasn't what this was about and both of them knew it. This didn't mean 'stay with me', it meant 'I don't want you to go' and that was good. He didn't want her to go either.</p><p>They walked along, lost in thoughts, pulling strength and comfort from the little touch.</p><p>He watched the shores and took in their renewed surroundings. The tops of the cliffs surrounding them were enlightened and on the beach below was a beacon of light. The group down on the sand had formed a circle around the fire and he could see Paul Coates wildly gesturing as he was speaking about life, death and heaven.</p><p>'Ouch!' pain shot through his arm. He gripped the spot Miller had hit him with his other hand, staggering backwards out of reach. 'What's the matter with you?'</p><p>'Shh!' she hissed, putting a finger to her lips. 'Someone's watching us.'</p><p>Hardy felt a light tickling at the back of his head. He shuddered, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable.</p><p>They stopped to a halt and Hardy followed her line of sight, eyes adjusting to the dark. He saw nothing.</p><p>'Where?' he mouthed.</p><p>'Down on the beach, in the shadows.'</p><p>He turned his head a bit more to the right and squinted through the darkness. Now he knew where to look, he could make out a figure, clearly belonging to an adult, standing backed away in the shadows provided by the rocks. He was invisible for the group of people gathered around the fire. There was too much distance between them and it was far too dark for him to make out the gender of the spying figure, let alone identify them.</p><p>'Keep walking.' She was right. Of course she was.</p><p>'Take a good look at the others there.' he murmured back.</p><p>She didn't question him. His eyes flew over all the individuals, but they were too far away to recognize most of them. Apart from Paul he could make out Nigel, Lucy and Tom and Karen. The rest he didn't know well enough to tell them apart.</p><p>When they reached to end of the boardwalk he tried to find the spying figure again. Where he, or she, had been standing were only the shadows of the dark rocks visible, leaving no place for anyone to be hiding.</p><p>'Did you notice anything?' he watched Miller from the corner of his eye.</p><p>'Nothing strange.' she caught up with him.</p><p>On the beach the first persons were planting their torches in the sand. Slowly more of them were moving away from the flames and leaving the beach behind. So too did Lucy.</p><p>'We've got to go.' he gripped her arm and nudged her towards the car. 'Now.'</p><p>He waited until Miller was fully seated before slowly driving off not to make more noise than necessary. As he dared to take a last look back through the mirror, he could swear he could see two glinting eyes staring at them from the darkness.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>Ellie closed the door of the apartment and flicked on the lights, hasting towards the window to see give Hardy thumbs up. He flashed his headlights once in response before driving off.</p><p>Just in time.</p><p>Only a minute later another car pulled up the driveway and Lucy and Tom got out. Swiftly she closed the curtain and discarded of her coat. Tiptoeing she entered the other bedroom and found her youngest son there, fast asleep with his thumb in his mouth.</p><p>Stumbling was heard outside and only moments later the door clicked open. She heard her sister whisper gently to her son. 'You should take off your shoes, Tom.'</p><p>'Yeah.' the muttered reply was followed by the rustle of coats being taken off and shoes being peeled off.</p><p>She was still wearing her muddy shoes, she realized, having left a trial of dried sand on the carpet. No time to do anything about that now.</p><p>Walking back to the other room she could see Tom, hopping around on one leg while he was desperately trying to get rid of his shoe.</p><p>'Come here.' she held him up, supporting him as he finally managed to discard of the item.</p><p>He looked up at her with a sad look on his face. 'Thanks, mum.'</p><p>Ellie swallowed back the lump that was forming in her throat. She closed her arms around him and lifted him, tiny legs encircling her waist, and he buried his face in her shoulder. Her eyes fell on Lucy, who was still standing in the doorway.</p><p>'Thanks.' she mouthed to her.</p><p>'I'll go home now.' Lucy glanced at Tom and then shot Ellie a warning look. 'Take care of yourself.' Then she was gone, her footsteps quickly vanishing in the distance.</p><p>She carried her son towards the bed and gently put him down. 'Do you want to talk about it?' she pulled him closer, stroking his hair as he silently sobbed in her chest. He shook his head.</p><p>She stayed close to him as he made himself ready for bed. Sitting on the edge of his bed she must ask him something. 'Was it good you did go to the funeral?'</p><p>'Yeah.' he nodded, pausing for a long moment. 'I think Danny must have liked it very much.'</p><p>'I'm sure he has.' she ensured. She kissed his forehead and wished him goodnight.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>Restlessly Ellie paced through the small living room, it was impossible to fall asleep now, not when her brain was still functioning at full speed. Maybe a shower would be nice.</p><p>She locked herself in the tiny bathroom with the fluffiest towel she could find and turned on the shower. She stripped naked and shuddered against the sudden cold. As she waited for the water to heat up, her eyes found their reflections in the mirror. Shocked she studied her features. She didn't look good at all. Her skin was of an unhealthy white colour, not having taken care of herself enough and dark circles had appeared under her eyes. Those eyes, they formed the worst part of her appearance. They were dark, the light had been extracted from them and had been replaced with despair.</p><p><em>No</em>, she thought about what Hardy had said, <em>the surface only shows us what we want us to see</em>. She concentrated on what she felt. Grief, pain and disappointment were the most present emotions of today, but deeper inside she found anger. She stared into the deep pools of black once more and what she saw scared her. Under layers of pain had inflamed another, much stronger emotion. Rage and fear were boiling under the surface, waiting impatiently to be led out.</p><p>Her eyes closed shut and she stumbled backwards, breathing heavily. She stepped into the shower, thankful for the hot water to wash over her body. She threw back her head and let the water stream down her face. Little by little she relaxed, her tense muscles softening under the hot massaging stream. Tomorrow, she decided, tomorrow I'll start to sort out this mess.</p><p>.</p>
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<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>!Trigger warning!<br/>Graphic description of selfharm</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Alec Hardy woke up screaming. Clasping a hand over his mouth he grabbed his watch from the bedside table with his other. It was half past six in the morning.</p><p>He realised he was still fully clothed, his legs entangled in the tiny covers he had been clear enough to drape over himself. Rubbing his temples against the upcoming headache, he detangled his legs and swung them over the edge of the bed. Ok, maybe not fully clothed. He slowly sat up and swallowed as he traced the inside of his right thigh.</p><p>.</p><p>*8 hours earlier*</p><p>He had arrived at the Traders feeling even worse than when he had left that morning. It had been easy to avoid talking to anyone and flee upstairs. He had locked himself in and had collapsed on the bed.</p><p>He didn't know how long he had been staring at the ceiling blankly while the events of that day replayed themselves in his head. He still hadn't cried, even though the pain made the tears burn behind his eyes. The pain, that good old friend, that washed over him, turned his insides into ice.</p><p><em>Be strong.</em> He repeated it until it had formed a mantra. <em>Be strong for her.</em></p><p>He felt like an idiot. Why did he act like this, what had she done to him? Her pain was a part of his. She had found a way inside, planting it in his mind and had fought her way into his heart. He wondered if he regretted letting her come so close. Somewhere between the day Danny Latimer had been killed and right now, it had started to seem like a good idea to have a friend. This was only proof that his earlier thoughts on that subject had been right.</p><p>This train of thoughts was getting him nowhere, he wasn't making any sense at all. He tried to remember what exactly had made him so sad, but recollecting those bits from his memory was suddenly so exhausting.</p><p>Joe, the case he couldn't solve, his condition. Those things were certainly upsetting him. Then Jonathan, whose name had returned to haunt him. Next up was seeing Miller so sad that it broke his heart and the statement that she should leave Broadchurch, which surprisingly hurt even more.</p><p>He had lost control and that scared him. Was it worth it to keep fighting? His last fight had brought him here.</p><p>Alec pinched his arm hard to clear his mind. That was good. Focussing on the physical pain helped. He increased the pressure, digging his nails in the flesh hard enough to leave red moon shaped marks.</p><p><em>You shouldn't do this.</em> A tiny voice in the rational part of his mind said. <em>If you don't stop now-</em></p><p>"Oh shut up." He groaned. Sitting up he pulled open the drawer. He rummaged through the contents and retrieved a little pocket knife. Alec opened it and tested the blade by running it over his finger. He watched the little red drops appear and licked his finger clean. The coppery taste of blood filled his mouth and he hesitated. Was it worth it?</p><p>He rolled up his sleeve and testing scraped the blade over his arm, holding still above a white line.</p><p>Frustrated he pulled away and dropped the knife on de bed. Too obvious.</p><p>His fingers trailed lower, this time unbuttoning his trousers. Slowly he pulled down the fly and wriggled until the fabric was pulled down over his hipbones. Fingers ghosted over the traces of his past. Then, before he could change his mind, he wrapped his fingers around the handle of the knife and, with a practised move, slid through the flesh.</p><p>A groan escaped him as he concentrated on the new pain, savouring the feeling, draining every last bit of doubt from his mind. A single drop slid down his cheek.</p><p>One, he promised himself, not more.</p><p>.</p><p>*Now*</p><p>Closing his eyes Alec touched the marks on his right inner thigh. He felt the old ridges that stood out a little and the new ones where dried blood bound flesh together.</p><p>One...two... three cuts he had made.</p><p>Three short moments of bliss, making him feel like the lowest bastard on earth.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>Two more days passed by. Ellie did everything in her power to live life as normal as possible. She brought the kids to school, kissed them goodbye and went back home as the other mothers talked behind her back. Then she would spend the morning lying in bed, take a walk, get the kids, prepare dinner and go to bed. It didn't all sound too difficult, but in reality it was.</p><p>She didn't want to call Lucy for help, that made her too dependent. On the other hand, how many times had she wanted to call him, phone already in her hand? It wasn't right. So she never did it.</p><p>This afternoon, Ellie had just gotten back from a desperate trip to the supermarket. She had finally had the courage to go -they had run out of milk since the last time Lucy had supplied her- and had rushed in and out as fast as possible to escape from people staring at her. She was sure she had forgotten most of what was on her list.</p><p>She had just started to put away the groceries when her phone started vibrating in her pocket. Ellie's breath hitched, then escaped in a sigh when she saw the callers ID. It was Lucy.</p><p>'El, it's me. Oliver isn't answering his phone, can you send him home, please?'</p><p>Well that was a bit unexpected. Ellie hadn't seen her nephew since the last time he was babysitting Fred. And that had been days ago.</p><p>'Ehm, Lucy.' She laughed a little. 'You know he hasn't been here in days.'</p><p>'Oh...'</p><p>'What made you think he would be here? Isn't he supposed to be at work?'</p><p>'He said he was staying at yours, helping you with the kids.' Panic was seeping into her voice. 'He hasn't, has he?'</p><p>'No. When did he say that?'</p><p>'At the beach. Me and Tom were leaving. Olly said he would follow a bit later. He had some things to discuss with Paul Coates.'</p><p>Ellie tried to recall the memory of the night. Her son was leaving the beach with Lucy. Where had Olly been that moment? The harder she thought, the less she seemed to remember.</p><p>'Hold on, what exactly has he told you?'</p><p>'He said he would catch up on us later, that he would stay at yours for a few days. I thought you knew.'</p><p>'Has he shown up for work?'</p><p>'I don't know.' Lucy sighed. 'He's an adult. For all I know, Maggie doesn't even have my number.'</p><p>'How about you ask her if she has seen him lately and call me back?'</p><p>Before Lucy had a change to disagree she hung up and quickly dialled a new number. She didn't even have to think about it, so many times she had typed it. Still, her thumb aired above the button.</p><p>Stupid.</p><p>She pushed down and listened to the beeps that indicated that somewhere a phone was ringing.</p><p>'Miller?'</p><p>'Sir, have you seen my nephew anywhere in the last two days?'</p><p>Slight rustling as he ruffled his hair. 'No. I think I have last seen him... On the beach- no wait, he was talking to Coates, then he was out of sight and...' There was a pause with more rustling. 'No, I haven't seen him since.'</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Please keep in mind that I'm completely ignoring that season 2 and 3 happened.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>'El, he's not been to work. Maggie's sent him off for a couple of days after he burst into tears at work.'</p><p>'Shit.' she swore. 'You've called everyone who might have a clue where he is?'</p><p>'Yes.'</p><p>'Anything at all?'</p><p>'No.'</p><p>'We're going to the police.' she decided. 'I'll pick you up.'</p><p>She glanced at her watch, it was almost three o'clock. She texted Tom to let him know where she was and that he would have to collect Fred from daycare. Grabbing her coat she headed downstairs. As she walked down the car park she send a quick text to Hardy.</p><p>
  <em>-Olly's been missing for three days. We're going to the police.-</em>
</p><p>Only seconds later the reply arrived.</p><p>
  <em>-I'm coming with you-</em>
</p><p>Brilliant. Lucy would really appreciate that, she thought sarcastically. Rapidly she typed another message.</p><p>
  <em>-You don't have to-</em>
</p><p>This time it took him until she was sitting in the car and had already started the engines to reply.</p><p>-<em>Shut up, Miller-</em></p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>Her sister wasn't even surprised that when they arrived at the Police Station the former DI was already waiting for them.</p><p>As Ellie went to open the door a hand on her arm stopped her. Despite the sad look in her eyes, Lucy sounded worried and slightly irritated.</p><p>'I thought I had told you to stay out of that mans way.'</p><p>Slumping back in her seat Ellie placed her hand over her sisters. 'Don't worry about me, I know what I'm doing.'</p><p>Lucy shook her head. 'Clearly you don't.'</p><p>Ellie sighed and dropped her hand. 'Why does everyone think he is dangerous?'</p><p>The subject of their conversation was currently frowningly looking at the discussing women in the car.</p><p>Lucy sighed, 'You know what happened in Sandbrook, right?'</p><p>'Yes.'</p><p>'Look at him, really look at him. He's a broken man, something happened and he clearly isn't over it. He can't help you, El. He can't even help himself, how would you expect him to help you?'</p><p>The wind blew through his hair, messing it up even more. He stood perfectly still, hands clasped behind his back. The rough lines in his face had deepened and he looked tired, though he was trying to hide that by keeping his head firmly held high.</p><p>It was difficult to make out his expression from this distance, but she could imagine he was staring at them thoughtfully. His posture made her want to be able to see his eyes to see if they were as sad as Lucy's.</p><p>She knew Alec Hardy would be able to help her. How, she did not know yet, she just knew he would. Was it rude to expect that from him? He had offered her his help himself...</p><p>'I don't know.' She freed her arm and stepped out of the car.</p><p>Lucy did the same and together they walked up to the Police Station. Ellie had found it quite strange that her sister hadn't been panicking before, but now those worries quickly disappeared as Lucy gripped her arm tightly and she could feel her tremble.</p><p>'Hey,' she said soothingly. 'It's Olly, he's an adult. He's old and wise enough to not get himself into trouble.'</p><p>'He's never been away so long before...'</p><p>'I know.' she squeezed her hand lightly. 'He'll be all right.'</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>'No-one's seen the lad then?' Hardy asked as they stopped before him.</p><p>Ellie shook her head negatively. 'Maggie says she's given him a couple of days off, he hasn't stayed at Lucy's, nor with me, as far as I know he hasn't been seen for 2 days at least.'</p><p>'I've spoken to some people on my way here, but nobody knows where he is.' he smiled sadly. 'Some of his friends, though, told me that he might have run off with that journalist from the Daily Harold, I wasn't sure if he was joking.'</p><p>Upon seeing Lucy's shocked expression he added: 'I've called her, said she hadn't seen him for a week.'</p><p>Ellie almost unnoticeably shook her head. He was being rude again.</p><p>'Come on, Lucy.' She pulled the almost crying woman in the direction of the station.</p><p>Alec trailed after them as they ascended the steps that led to the entrance. He felt nervous, though there was no reason why he should be. Except maybe that he had no reasonable excuse to be here.</p><p>This was foolish. There were a couple of reasons why he had decided to come. First of all, it worried him that he hadn't heard from Ellie since... had the funeral been on a Wednesday? Secondly, he found it suspicious that the reporter whose name had been on the latest articles on the Danny Latimer case was missing. Also, he still needed to clean that desk.</p><p>What Alec hadn't thought of before he had texted Ellie was that he had no idea when the new DI would start. And as much as he wanted to see with his own eyes how the local police force was coping with the aftermath of his case, he most certainly wasn't ready to find out if the DI who went by his old friend's name, really was the Jon he thought he had lost.</p><p>'Sir!'</p><p>He hadn't realised he had stopped walking. His hands were balled into fists and he was breathing hard. No wonder Miller was looking at him worriedly.</p><p>'Are you all right?'</p><p>'Yeah.' He straightened his back and walked past her.</p><p>'You didn't have to come.'</p><p>'I know.'</p><p>They came to a halt about two meters behind Lucy who was already talking to one of the officers.</p><p>'Then why are you here?' she hissed. Then her voice softened a little. 'You look awful.'</p><p>'Speak for yourself.' he grunted.</p><p>She hit him on the arm. 'Oh, shut up.'</p><p>'Careful.' he pouted a little. 'That arm is still sore from last time you did that.'</p><p>She hit him again and Alec was surprised that he had actually made her smile.</p><p>Suddenly Ellie snapped back into focus. 'We should help Lucy.'</p><p>Of course they should. Why was he joking while there was a kid missing? Even though that kid was a fully self responsible adult that had probably just run off with some friends for some days and forgot to charge his phone.</p><p>He coughed and slightly embarrassed looked around the room. More than three pairs of eyes were watching them curiously. OK, not just slightly embarrassed anymore.</p><p>'When and where exactly have you last seen this young man?'</p><p>The officer was holding a little photograph of Oliver, presumably the one Ellie kept in her wallet, and took notes with his other hand. Alec absentmindedly noticed the man was left-handed.</p><p>'I last saw him Wednesday evening at the beach.' Lucy's voice trembled. 'I think it was about nine o'clock. Paul Coates said he'd seen him leave about thirty minutes later.'</p><p>'Have you contacted everyone who might have seen him? Girlfriend, co-workers?'</p><p>Lucy nodded. 'No-one has seen him since that evening.'</p><p>'Are there any places your son often visits?'</p><p>'Not that I can think of, no.'</p><p>Ellie placed her hand on her sisters shoulder, encouragingly or soothing, he couldn't decide which, and whispered something in her ear. Whatever she'd said, it gave her the chills, but she nodded nevertheless. 'When he has had a bad day he often goes to the beach.'</p><p>It was clear that she didn't want to say "on the cliffs" and the man nodded that he understood, taking down another note.</p><p>They were told that they would be looking out for Oliver and that Lucy had to make a call when her son would turn up. In the meantime his details would be sent to police forces in the area.</p><p>Hardy had been watching all the people in the room individually. Only a few were actually doing their work, the rest was too occupied by the two ex-detectives. Most of the eyes were glued to Ellie and he could hear people whisper busily to each other behind their hands. They would be the main subject of gossip today.</p><p>Ellie was still standing with her back turned to them and he felt more and more eyes switching to him. He turned on his heels and exited the building. Outside he sat down on the steps, cringing as the fabric of his trousers scoured the wounds on the inside of his thigh. He repeated the motion, closing his eyes and shifting his focus. He breathed in deeply through his nose and held his breath for a few seconds before slowly exhaling through his mouth. He repeated this and felt a bit of the tension leave his shoulders.</p><p>'Alec!'</p><p>His eyes flew open and he stared up in shock. Ellie was standing in front of him, eyebrows raised.</p><p>'What are you doing?' she demanded.</p><p>He quickly changed position, looking up at her innocently. 'Just sitting here.'</p><p>'You're a very bad liar.'</p><p>He shrugged and his gaze shifted to the hands that he had folded between his knees. 'I shouldn't be here.'</p><p>'Me neither.'</p><p>They fell silent and watched as an officer he didn't recognise left the building and greeted Ellie as he walked by.</p><p>'Did you really ask around about Oliver?'</p><p>'Of course I did.'</p><p>She seemed surprised. 'Why?'</p><p>He groaned, slightly irritated. 'Because I did.'</p><p>'Thank you.' Her voice was soft and now he could see that, while she had been acting so bravely around her sister, she too was worried sick.</p><p>Lucy exited the station, wiping her eyes with the back of one hand, and headed toward them. Ellie held out her hands and raised him to his feet. She pulled him a bit closer and quickly whispered: 'Can we talk?'</p><p>He nodded. 'Tonight?'</p><p>'I'll text you.' she changed her voice back to normal. ' Thank you, Sir.'</p><p>Even Lucy managed to, almost politely, say goodbye and Hardy watched as Ellie placed her arm firmly around her sisters waist and they walked away, softly talking to each other.</p><p>More and more people passed by as he sat there on the steps in the same position as before. Many of them stared at him, but they all avoided his eyes. Eventually he got up, stretched his legs and walked back to the hotel, wondering what Miller would need him for. Good reason was telling him she was supposed to take care of her sister now. However, if he was honest with himself, he didn't really care that much. After all, at this moment she was the only one who's company he could appreciate.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The night was cold and the sky was clear. Hundreds of stars were shining upon the town. A few years earlier, Alec Hardy might even have thought it to be romantic. This evening however, as he watched the rise of the Orion constellation, he thought back to all those evenings he'd watched the stars with his daughter. Daisy did have a thing for astronomy. She loved the movements of the stars that were so predictable and yet so ever-changing. Every clear night she would sit on the windowsill with a map in one hand and a binocular in the other.</p><p>That was before he had bought her a professional telescope. He'd even learned the names of all the constellations so he could watch them with her. During those beautiful summer nights they would lay outside stargazing until far after midnight. Her mother told them they were crazy and always went to bed early, knowing that her husband wouldn't join her before three o'clock in the morning. During the winter, if they were lucky, they built a comfortable chair for themselves with the snow and watched the stars rise until they were called back inside for dinner.</p><p>He tore his eyes away from the sky. He felt so sore, his head was acing, he had the feeling that the wounds could open up again every moment now and the bruising on his right side wasn't making standing any better. Maybe he should be more careful with himself.</p><p>An hour after he'd left the hotel, Miller showed up. She looked tired, he thought, as she apologized for being late.</p><p>'Couldn't leave the kids until they were sleeping.'</p><p>Hardy was quite sure that she shouldn't leave her children alone at home at all, but he chose not to mention it. Instead, he gestured towards the road and they started walking. They weren't going in any particular direction, just where no-one else appeared to be.</p><p>After a while they found a silent spot at a little playground where they sat down, leaving some space between them on the stone bench.</p><p>'So...'</p><p>'Yeah...' he answered.</p><p>They shared a smile.</p><p>'How are you?' she tried, averting her eyes.</p><p>'To be honest, very not good.' no lying this time. 'You?'</p><p>'Really?'</p><p>He noticed she was fumbling with the lapel of her coat. 'You left both your sister and your children alone to come to me. I reckon you're not okay at all.'</p><p>'I feel like shit.' She muttered.</p><p>He watched her silently as she sat up and pulled her knees to her chest, hugging them tight, and resting her chin rested on top of them. The light of the only street lantern drew shadows across her face. It made the lines in her face appear deeper, like they were cut into her.</p><p>He shifted uncomfortably, awkwardly aware of the rough cotton moving over open flesh. This was not about him, he reminded himself.</p><p>Ellie drew a deep breath, about to say something, but let it slip. A string of curls moved with the sudden wind and her frown deepened.</p><p>'How could I be okay at a time like this?' she said sadly. 'People say I'm handling this so well, that I look fine, but I'm not. Give me one reason why I should.'</p><p>'I haven't.' he admitted. 'But I wanted you to say it yourself.'</p><p>'Why?'</p><p>'Because sometimes things are easier to accept when you say them out loud.'</p><p>'Okay.'</p><p>'And therefore,' he continued, 'easier to refute.'</p><p>She folded her hands, waving her fingers together, studying them intently while she considered his words. 'I don't think I understand.'</p><p>'In your head, it's just an idea that leaves no space for contradicting thoughts.' he explained. 'When you're able to look at things more objectively, by speaking them out or writing them down, you can come up with other ideas and revelations.'</p><p>'When you say writing down, do you mean like a diary?'</p><p>'More like writing down your exact thoughts.' he clarified. 'And then read it. Or talking. Talking works good too.'</p><p>'How do you know all these things?' She repositioned her head to watch him, her left cheek using her knees as a pillow.</p><p>He shook his head. 'Let's not start there.'</p><p>She smiled lightly. 'You said talking would help.'</p><p>'So I did.' Alec stretched his back and leaned back to watch her, quickly changing the subject. 'Why did you ask me to come?'</p><p>She immediately became serious again. 'Back then I was just overreacting.'</p><p>He waited for her to continue.</p><p>'It-it's just so much.' her voice faltered and she turned her face away from him. 'I don't know what's going on. Joe... Everyone knows about him. I can't go anywhere without people staring at me and giving me compassionate looks and all. Now when we need Olly to clarify that, he's gone missing. He's not the kind of boy that just leaves without leaving a note. If only I was still working for the Police, I would have set up a search immediately. Now neither of us can do anything.'</p><p>Ellie made a sniffling noise and he was quite sure at this moment she was crying.</p><p>'There's nothing we can do. I come home, every time expecting him to be there, playing with the kids and being the good dad he always was. But he never is and I hate him so much.' She took a shaky breath and looked back at him, her cheeks wet from the tears. 'I can't believe he killed Danny, and yet he did. He told me so himself. Why must it be him? He never was more than a dad to Tom and Fred.'</p><p>And then came the question he had already anticipated.</p><p>'How could he have loved a kid over me?'</p><p>'I don't have those answers.' he felt sorry to repeat his answer from earlier. 'I don't even think he did understand it himself.'</p><p>'You can't say that. You can't know what he felt.'</p><p>'No.' He straightened as he heard something, placing a finger on his lips to mention her to be silent. She unconsciously held her breath as she looked around for what had alerted him. There were several dark spots here where someone could be hiding. He checked every possible place, following the shadows.</p><p>There! Something had moved. He was about to point it out to her but then a cat crept out of the darkness, his green eyes reflecting the light coming from the only street lantern. He stopped, staying completely still and then ran away.</p><p>Maybe it had just been a cat and his imagination was just playing tricks on him. Though it still gave him the creeps.</p><p>'I have the strangest feeling we're not alone.' Miller whispered to him.</p><p>He shook his head. 'I don't think anyone could be close enough to overhear us, but we should be careful anyway.'</p><p>Careful for what? Why would someone be following them? He felt stupid for even considering that thought. They were just two normal persons sitting on a bench at a playground at night. Not that they were really normal or that it was normal behaviour for adults to have meetings at playgrounds at night.</p><p>He was snapped back into focus as Ellie gently nudged his shoulder. 'Are you listening?'</p><p>'Yeah.' He rubbed his forehead and turned to her.</p><p>'Good.' Crossing her legs she sat back. 'Why did you come with us today? '</p><p>'You're changing the subject.' he pointed.</p><p>'You had no reason at all to come. ' she argued. ' You looked awful and sad. And now it's even worse.'</p><p>He sighed. 'I told you already I'm not okay. Let's agree on that and just leave it, right?'</p><p>'You did. But why?' she ignored his protest.</p><p>'After you heard Olly was probably missing, first thing you did was call me.' he said. 'You care for that lad. Then I got your text, decided I wanted to see how you was.'</p><p>She shrugged. 'You seemed busier with yourself than actually helping.'</p><p>'Stop it. We were talking about you.' He wasn't ready to explain his behaviour to her now.</p><p>'You're afraid of something. Do you know something about what happened to Oliver?'</p><p>Now you could call that a change in behaviour.</p><p>'I- No...' Alec didn't know if he was more shocked or surprised.</p><p>'Then why don't you tell me?'</p><p>Women and arguing... She suddenly reminded him of the last days he and Tess had been together.</p><p>'I can't.'</p><p>Ellies eyes were cold and full of suspicion. 'You do know something, don't you? There's something you're not telling me.'</p><p>'I'm not here to make a fight.' he stood up. 'You wanted to talk. I'm here, I'm listening, but you aren't making sense right now. This isn't going to make things better.'</p><p>'Don't you tell me you didn't want to see me either.' Before she realized what she'd said he turned her his back and started walking away.</p><p>Yes, he was acting childish. Very childish. It was rude of him, that too. But it hurt him deeply that in her eyes he was able to do keep vital information from her. It hurt because he might possibly need her, needed to help her. And in order to help her he needed her trust. Not that he was going to say that. If he did right now, she would certainly slap him and never talk to him again.</p><p>He didn't want to think of the consequences if they continued this fight, so he did what he had been doing for years. He walked away.</p><p>'Alec!' she was following him.</p><p>Hurt always eventually comes accompanied by anger. It flared up in his chest, pumping hot adrenaline through him.</p><p>He turned on his heels and took three steps back to face her. 'Don't you call me that.' he hissed.</p><p>She immediately backed off, holding up her hands. 'I'm sorry.' she said quietly. 'I know you wouldn't... Olly...'</p><p>'I shouldn't have...' She helplessly shook her head and rubbed her eyes. 'Please don't leave.'</p><p>He swallowed. He'd gone too far. His body trembled as the sudden anger faded away and he closed his eyes.</p><p>'I won't.' He murmured barely audible.</p><p><em>I can't.</em> He thought.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>'People have been warning me to stay away from you.'</p><p>'And still you're here.'</p><p>They were sitting across each other. Ellie was again seated on the bench while Hardy had chosen to sit on the picnic table. They were looking at anything but each other.</p><p>'I don't think they're right.' she said. 'I mean, they don't know you.'</p><p>'Why do they say that?' he asked, curious to hear what reasons people might have come up with about him.</p><p>She thought carefully about it before answering. Just a bit too long. 'They say you're a broken man. The exact words that they used, I believe, were: "He can't even help himself, how do you suspect him to help you."'</p><p>It was like he walked into a solid stone wall, crushing his chest and pressing the air out of his lungs. The worst thing was that he had nothing to say to that. It was true. He avoided her gaze as she examined him openly.</p><p>'Is that true?' she asked. 'Do you think I should stay away from you?'</p><p>Of course he did. And he didn't.</p><p>'Just say yes or no.' she pushed. 'Should I stay away from you?'</p><p>'No.' it came out hoarsely.</p><p>She waited until he raised his head and kept her eyes locked on his. 'You asked me if I thought of you as a friend.' she said, smiling a little though he could see her eyes glint. 'I trust you, I want you to help me, but I also want to help you.'</p><p>'You can't.' he croaked. 'Really, you can't.'</p><p>
  <em>Not with what I'm dealing with.</em>
</p><p>'Just... Just know that I want to be there for you if you need me.'</p><p>'I know.' he glanced at his watch. 'We should go.'</p><p>As she nodded, they took off, heading towards the fields. Testing he let his fingers brush against the back of her hand as they walked. Without saying a word she slipped her hand inside his.</p><p>It was strangely comforting to hold her hand like this. Somehow he craved the physical contact. Even while doing this, walking through the dark together, was against every rule he'd laid upon himself after the divorce, he felt comfortable.</p><p>'What do we do now?' she broke the silence by asking him. 'We both don't belong here anymore, and yet, here we are.'</p><p>'Something must be keeping us here.' he grimaced. 'Don't quite know what, but I'm sure it isn't the lots of lovely people who live here.'</p><p>'You can get back to work one day.' she complained. 'Just get surgery, your problems are over.'</p><p>'Are they?'</p><p>'No...' she squeezed his hand. 'I'm sorry, I know that's not true.'</p><p>'If only it was that simple.' he sighed. 'If that surgery would change everything I would take it without second thoughts. But it simply doesn't.'</p><p>'It's your ex-wife, isn't it?'</p><p>'No.' he looked up to the sky, following the stars of Draconis from tail to head. 'It's my daughter.'</p><p>She stayed quiet, patiently waiting for him to explain this. He hadn't talked about his daughter for a very long time. Surprisingly, though he'd thought he wouldn't be able to do so, the words started flowing.</p><p>'She's the most precious thing in my life, and she hates me. She thinks that I've committed adultery, she believes that I've betrayed my own wife, who I loved more than anything. Her own mother has forsaken the case to fuck a random stranger! She once meant the world to me, but clearly I meant nothing to her!'</p><p>Ellie strengthened her grasp, waving her fingers through his. He glanced down at their entwined fingers, inwardly cursing himself for letting it happen and pulling strength from the contact.</p><p>'I love her so much. We used to watch the stars together -her mother always thought us crazy- and spend whole nights in the fields around our house. I learned everything I could about those magnificent constellations and their stars and the planets to teach her. That was us, we told each other so many things. She always trusted me completely, told me everything she kept secret from her mother.</p><p>'But now, she thinks that I've left them for someone else and that all those nights meant nothing to me. I'm never going to see her again, only because I was stupid enough to take the blame for my wife's faults. If only I'd known the consequences of my actions that day...'</p><p>'What's her name?' she softly asked.</p><p>'Daisy.' he smiled.</p><p>They were walking over the fields now. The wet grass made sloppy sounds under their feet. Most of the houses around them were completely dark.</p><p>'I told the press the real story of what happened during the Sandbrook case.' he confessed.</p><p>'I know.' Ellie squeezed his hand lightly. 'I think you made the right decision.'</p><p>He snorted. 'Maybe she'll get to read it one day.'</p><p>'Of course she will.' she tried to reassure him. 'And at least everyone here will know the truth.'</p><p>'Maybe it would be best if I just leave it.'</p><p>They came to a halt in the middle of the open area. The darkness was only disturbed by the far away street lanterns and the lights of the church. Hardy let his head fall back and mapped out the stars that were visible, using it as an excuse not to face the woman standing beside him.</p><p>'I mean, she's got a loving mother, a home and a lie that stabilizes her life as it is now. I don't want to break it. She deserves nothing of this. She should just be happy, even if I'm not the one to ensure that anymore.'</p><p>He felt Ellie's soft hand reaching for his and she pulled him towards her. 'Look at me.' she ordered.</p><p>Unwillingly he lowered his head. His eyes found hers and he gazed into the depths of her brown eyes.</p><p>'You are an impossibly good man.' she said. 'What you've done goes far beyond what any average man would do. You knew you would have very hard times coming up, but nevertheless you did it, for her. That makes you not only a great dad, but also one of the most brave and good men I've ever known. Let no-one convince you otherwise, because they are wrong.'</p><p>He blinked heavily against the tears coming up behind his eyes. <em>Don't cry, don't you dare cry.</em> 'Thank you.' The words were barely audible, but he could see the change in her eyes as she smiled.</p><p>'Look at you,' she murmured, 'Some part of you already knows you can get through this. You've got to believe in yourself.'</p><p>'No-one believes in me.' he whispered.</p><p>She lightly shook her head pulling him closer to whisper in his ear: 'Do you think I would be here if I didn't?'</p><p>Her hair was tickling his face and he felt a blush creep up to his cheeks. As she pulled her head back again his eyes locked with hers, finding a new emotion that had found its way to the surface. He let it pour over him, drinking it in, unable to break the moment.</p><p>Almost naturally he bent his head as she leaned upwards to close the little distance left between them. He should stop this. NOW! He knew all too well he should, but he simply couldn't. His eyes fluttered shut and-</p><p>The silence was rudely broken by piano music, playing what Alec presumed was the nokia tune backwards.</p><p>He couldn't help but chuckle.</p><p>Ellie stumbled back in surprise and quickly searched her pockets for the device. Her cheeks were flushed with embarrassment and he felt his own face glow as well. Awkwardly he looked down at his feet and pushed his hands in his pockets.</p><p>'Lucy!'</p><p>He could hear the woman's voice even from two metres distance. 'Oh my God, El, they've found him!' followed by hysterical rambling that he couldn't understand.</p><p>'He is where?' Ellie's eyes widened in shock. 'No... Oh no...'</p><p>Alarmed he searched her expression for any indication of what had happened.</p><p>'No. We're coming right now.' she lowered her arm and looked at him in horror. 'They've found Olly, he's dying.'</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Ok, so I shipped this pairing romantically at the time that I wrote this (years ago), but right now I'm not sure anymore.<br/>They need each other so much. I'd go as fas as saying they love each other.<br/>But love exists in so many ways...</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm not a medical student, nor do I know one, so please don't kill me over this</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They were running through the sleeping village, Ellie leading the way. With every step he took, Hardy felt his heart protest. The shot of adrenaline that had them running in the first place had faded. Ellie, on the other hand, was captivated by fear and used that energy to keep going.</p><p>They reached the Traders and he tossed Miller his car keys, leaning heavily on his knees. The air came out in quick pants and it took him a few valuable seconds before he could say: 'You drive to the hospital, now!'</p><p>She held up the keys. 'Aren't you coming?'</p><p>'I don't think that's a good idea.' he puffed. His chest hurt like hell and the pain got worse with every pound of his heart.</p><p>'I want you to come.' she held the door open for him and took place on the driver's seat herself.</p><p>He decided there was no time to lose by arguing and stepped inside. As she drove he leaned heavily against the window, trying not to let his pain show.</p><p>Ellie hadn't been in the hospital for a long time, but she still knew the way by heart, because in another lifetime Joe used to work there as a paramedic. Never though, had she driven this recklessly before. It was just luck that the streets were nearly deserted at a time like this, otherwise she might have had a bit more trouble to drive relatively safely.</p><p>'Where did they find him?' he asked eventually.</p><p>'I don't know.' She deliberately ignored the red traffic lights and sharply turned right. Hardy's stomach protested, but he couldn't ask Ellie to slow down. His dinner might decide to come out if he opened his mouth again.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>By the time Ellie parked the car, not caring that she occupied 2 spaces, Alec felt nauseous. It was partly the driving, partly nervousness. Or was it anxiety? He wondered as they hurried inside.</p><p>The first thing that struck him was that everything was white. The walls were white, as were the doors, and even the nurses and the people behind the information desk were dressed in white. Hideous yellowish lights lit the room and reflected on every surface.</p><p>'El!' Lucy ran up to them and threw herself in Miller's arms, sobbing in her chest as she held her.</p><p>'What happened, where is he?'</p><p>Lucy raised her arm and pointed towards the hallway on the left. Signs indicated that it led to various departments, including ER.</p><p>'He- They-' She couldn't form the words.</p><p>'Excuse me.' A nurse dressed in the same white coat as the others, except she was wearing a black shirt beneath it, approached them. 'Are you the family of Oliver Stevens?'</p><p>'We are.' Ellie replied through the tears. 'What happened?'</p><p>'The doctor's are trying to stabilize him. His heart stopped on the way here.' The woman looked down at her clipboard. 'They brought him in approximately one hour ago. A truck driver called an ambulance. The boy was already unconscious.'</p><p>'Will he make it?' Hardy knew it was a stupid thing to ask, but he supposed someone had to do it.</p><p>'He's strong.' the nurse smiled reassuringly. 'There's a chance he'll survive this without major permanent injuries.'</p><p>'Can I see him?' Lucy looked up at her desperately with red watery eyes. 'He's my son...'</p><p>'I'm sorry,' she looked back compassionately. 'They're in still operating. You'll have to wait here until the doctors have finished.'</p><p>Hardy nodded understandingly and led the weeping women towards the rather comfortable looking couch that seemed really out of place in a hospital. He kept pacing while they sat there, holding on to each other for dear life.</p><p>With every minute that passed he became more restless. It was confusing that only 30 minutes ago they were having a rather emotional conversation in a field. Now that seemed a long time ago, already forgotten. Never had he expected that he would once end up with Miller and her sister in a hospital. Never had he thought he would care about Ellies niece. And here he was, in a hospital and he was worried. He was actually properly scared that the lad might not survive. He felt bad that this surprised him.</p><p>After a while the nurse returned with three steaming cups of tea and a blanket. He silently thanked her and she smiled lightly before retreating again, telling him to call her if they needed anything.</p><p>'Why can't they tell us what happened?' Lucy tried to pick up one of the mugs, but her hands were shaking so much that the tea splashed over the rim. She had to put it down not to burn herself.</p><p>'I don't think they know.' He answered softly. 'All they know is that a boy is brought in far after midnight with several serious injuries. I don't think they're interested in how he's ended up in this state before they're sure he'll make it through alive.'</p><p>Ellie picked up her own tea and took a sip. 'I'm so scared.' she whispered.</p><p>'What if he doesn't make it?' Alec spoke the thoughts of all of them. He sighed and sat down at the other side of Ellie.</p><p>They sat in silence after that, all lost in their own thoughts. The time ticked by slowly and their worries grew. Every ten minutes or so, Hardy would stand up and ask the nurse if there was any more information on Olly's situation. It must be said, the woman didn't lose her patience. Hardy did.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>Ellie's eyes were slowly closing and soon she was lightly dozing. Her head slid down towards her chest until she jolted awake again. On her right Lucy was staring off into the distance. She wasn't crying anymore, but the strains were still visible on her face. Hardy found himself wondering if she was praying.</p><p>'Why must it be him?' she asked out of the sudden. 'He's just a boy. What has he done to deserve this?'</p><p>He chose to pretend he wasn't paying attention. It was better not to say anything than try to give those answers. Instead, he watched her folded hands intently. The nails showed jagged edges where she'd bitten them off, along with the flesh surrounding them. Her hands were firmly clasped together in the same gesture as people in church, only her thumbs were fumbling something.</p><p>He hadn't noticed it before, but she was holding a little stuffed animal between her hands, stroking it absentmindedly. As he looked closer he could tell it was a small, deep-brown coloured bear with a Christmas hat. The stuffed bear was old and dusty, hardly touched in years.</p><p>'Is that Oliver's birthday gift?' he blunted out.</p><p>She jerked up and looked at him wide-eyed. 'Yes... I don't know why I took it, I just felt I should.'</p><p>'I understand.' he said. He really did.</p><p>'Mister Stevens?' A doctor had appeared in the main hall and was also holding a clipboard on which he was busily writing. According to his nametag he was called Ian Milligen.</p><p>Lucy nudged him. 'I think they mean you.'</p><p>He frowned at her and shook Ellie's arm. She opened her eyes and immediately sat up, clearly disorientated, but then it hit her and the tears sprung back in her eyes.</p><p>'Come on.' he helped her to her feet and then addressed the doctor. 'She's miss Stevens, Oliver's mother. You should be speaking to her.'</p><p>The man looked up from his clipboard and put it on the front desk. He turned his full attention on Lucy. 'Miss Stevens, I'm sorry, but I'm here to inform you that your son-'</p><p>'He's dead isn't he?' she balled her fists, tears rolling down her cheeks already.</p><p>'On the contrary-'</p><p>'Don't just say that-' she clasped a hand over her mouth as she registered his words. Not daring to believe it yet she shook her head.</p><p>'Your son, Oliver, is alive.' The doctor smiled gently. 'His condition is stable, but we've put him in an induced sleep. What I wanted to say is that he has gotten a few blows to the head. We don't know how he'll be when he wakes up.'</p><p>They let this sink in. Alive. Physically stable. Mentally... Hardy decided not to ask about the consequences.</p><p>'Can we see him?' Ellie asked.</p><p>'That is possible, yes.' He nodded. 'In fact, I can take you to him right now.'</p><p>They followed doctor Milligen as he guided them through a labyrinth of corridors. Here the light was dimmed and the air smelled of disinfection fluid. Hardy grimaced. It even tasted like it,</p><p>They halted before room 058 where the doctor sufficiently blocked the way. He waited, hand on the door handle, and looked them all in the eye. 'I must warn you that his face is bruised. You might want to take a moment to prepare yourself. It could be quite a shock to see him like this.'</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>Ellie couldn't remember ever being so scared in her entire life. She hadn't experienced having someone this close on the verge of dying. All her grandparents had died before she was born or when she was too young to fully understand the concept of dying and the emotional burden that came with it. The doctor had said Olly was alive, but she couldn't help but think: what if... Everything happened so fast. She felt guilty for not caring enough when he was still missing. Instead of supporting her sister she'd slipped away. She fled to the company of Alec Hardy because she needed someone to understand her. She needed to forget, to think.</p><p>It had worked, she had temporarily forgotton about her missing nephew when it was just the two of them out in the field, talking and- Guilt washed over her as the memory played itself like a little film in her head. She remembered how almost they had been fighting. How they walked through the grass and how comforting that moment had been. Alec had even started to open up about his daughter. And while she had been there with him, only thinking about what she herself needed, Oliver had been knocked unconscious and rushed to a hospital. Lucy had been alone. How could she have been so selfish?</p><p>No. She should not be thinking about this right now. Resolutely she pushed the thoughts away and looked down at the beaten up features of her nephew. Beneath the red marks he was pale. His nose had been broken, but it had been neatly set back. Somehow the absence of blood made it worse, unreal, as if she was watching a corpse.</p><p>A breathing corpse. Under the white bandages Olivers chest rose and fell steadily. Lucy's hand rested over his heart that was, as far as Ellie could see on one of the monitors surrounding the bed, beating at a normal pace. Both she and her sister were holding one of his hands that were cold and weak.</p><p>Lucy's eyes were closed and her lips were moving rapidly. A prayer?</p><p>Ellie realised she was not crying. Not anymore. She supposed all her tears had been used in the first five minutes they had been in this room, spent sobbing in relief. She pressed Olivers hand against her forehead, then briefly against her lips before laying it down carefully so that the needle from the IV wouldn't hurt him.</p><p>Hardy, who had been sitting at the other side of the bed, rose to stand at the end of the bed and indicated she should take his place next to her sister. His features were difficult to make out in the dim lights, but it was obvious he too was pale and she could make out little drops of sweat on his forehead. He hadn't spoken since the doctor had arrived.</p><p>'Are you all right?' she whispered as she moved past him.</p><p>'Yeah.' He tried to smile at her and failed.</p><p>She frowned and he closed his eyes, breathed in through his nose and finally shook his head.</p><p>'I don't think- I'm not feeling very well.'</p><p>It shocked her that he so easily admitted this. It was nothing like him.</p><p>'You don't need to stay.'</p><p>But he shook his head again.</p><p>She didn't know how to react to that, so she briefly placed her hand on his arm to let him know that it was ok.</p><p>The door opened and doctor Milligen silently entered the room. He greeted them with a nod and rounded to bed to check the monitors.</p><p>'Doctor Milligen?' Ellie asked. 'Can you tell me what happened to him?'</p><p>'I can tell you what we know so far.' He nodded and consulted his clipboard. 'We got a call in at around 10 thirty pm. A truck driver thinks he has hit this man and panics. At least he was smart enough to call for an ambulance before shock took over completely. The ambulance took both of them here. Your son was pretty beaten up and hypothermic. The latter almost cost him his life.'</p><p>He looked over at the sleeping man and continued. 'Apart from this he suffers mainly from a broken collarbone and nose and a few bruised ribs.'</p><p>'He- He will survive this, won't he?' Lucy grabbed her sons hand more tightly.</p><p>'That chances are good.' The doctor confirmed. 'He's a fighter.'</p><p>'Something is bothering me.' Alec commented thoughtfully. 'Two things actually. The first thing, to me these do not seem to be the injuries of someone who's just been in a car accident.'</p><p>Ellie frowned and opened her mouth to protest.</p><p>'No, look.' He pointed at the bruises on Olivers face. 'The marks on his temples suggest blows to the head. Like he has been hit.'</p><p>She studied the bruise pattern. After a while she had to agree with Hardy. It was unlikely that was from a car crash.</p><p>Doctor Milligen shrugged. 'It's not our task to figure out the cause of the injuries. I'll report it to the officers investigating this.'</p><p>'What else?' Ellie looked at Hardy.</p><p>He eyed doctor Milligen questioningly. 'I don't get why the truck driver hasn't stayed at the crime scene with the police.'</p><p>The man shrugged again. 'Orders. The police said they wouldn't be up there for a while so they would speak to this man later. He was in shock, so it was decided to bring him in.'</p><p>A knock on the door made them all turn their heads.</p><p>'Doctor Milligen?' The blonde nurse didn't fully step into the room, obviously in a haste. 'The officers have arrived.'</p><p>'Tell them I'm on my way.'</p><p>The woman disappeared and Milligen checked his watch before he followed her. 'I'll send someone to check in on you in about an hour.'</p><p>'Not the decision I'd make.' Alec mouthed once the doctor had left.</p><p>Ellie nodded, but before she could voice her thoughts on it there was commotion in the corridor. The noises quickly grew louder as the arguing voices came closer.</p><p>'You can't just walk in there.' That was doctor Milligen.</p><p>'I need to see that man, so in fact, I can.' The new voice was low and it must have belonged to a smoker if it had been just a bit hoarser.</p><p>Beside her Alec suddenly took a step back so that he was leaning against the wall. Something was wrong.</p><p>'He's asleep. You can speak to the doctors who treated him instead. Besides, I was told you'd only be here for the driver. You haven't even seen him yet.'</p><p>'I'll see him in a minute. Now get your doctors, doctor Milligen.' The man managed to make the title sound like an insult and Ellie and Lucy exchanged a glance that said <em>Who is this person?</em></p><p>That question was answered immediately as the door was pushed open and in strode a middle aged man dressed in a black suit, wearing a stern look on his face. He was almost as tall as Alec and though his posture suggested this man had once been an athlete, he didn't have any of Alec's skinniness. His hair was a mix of brown and grey strands, which made him look old, though Ellie guessed he was in his forties.</p><p>After him one of the officers that had been on the Latimer case stepped inside, looking as if he wanted nothing more than be dismissed and go to bed.</p><p>'DI Jonathan Davis, Broadchurch Police.' The man flashed his ID at them. 'I'm here to see Oliver Stevens.'</p><p>Nobody moved nor dared to speak, too perplexed by this man's entrance. Then, in the corner of her eye, Ellie saw Alec's knees give out on him and she moved just in time to prevent him from sliding to the floor.</p><p>'Fine...' he breathed, trying to push her away.</p><p>The DI took a step in their direction. 'Ah, mister Stevens, I presume?'</p><p>Alec stared at him in horror. 'I- No...'</p><p>Davis frowned. 'A relative?'</p><p>Something that could be pain and grief flashed over Alec's face. 'No.' He croaked.</p><p>'I'm his mother.' Lucy said. 'His father is gone.'</p><p>'I'm his aunt.' Ellie continued. 'He is not a relative.'</p><p>'Then I'm sorry to say this, but I must ask you to leave the room.' He didn't look sorry at all. 'I have little time, so it'll only take a few minutes.'</p><p>Alec's face was that of a marble statue, frozen in a look of disbelief and horror and white as snow. Ellie felt his pulse under her fingers quicken and for a moment feared he would pass out on her. Then he complied, staggering towards the door.</p><p>'Easy.' She said, steadying him. Lucy nodded understandingly and even seemed a bit worried as she mouthed a silent sorry that she would be left alone with the DI.</p><p>'Excuse me, did I say something wrong?' This time the DI seemed genuinely concerned.</p><p>'Not that I know.' Ellie replied honestly. 'He said earlier he wasn't feeling well.'</p><p>'Well, you if I were you I'd better get him outside. He looks like he might need some fresh air.' He gestured towards the corridor.</p><p>As Ellie hurried after her former boss she wondered what had happened that made Alec Hardy lose control over his emotions. It was like he was having some kind of panic attack, she thought. For the first time since they arrived she was actually glad they were in a hospital.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I've been working up to this, so I'm happy that finally Jon Davis has made an appearance in person. He's a complicated character,</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ellie found Hardy halfway down the corridor, sitting against the wall, holding his head between his knees. For a moment she thought he was crying. Then she noticed the little bottle that had rolled to the opposite wall, spilling its contents on the floor. The white pills cracked beneath her feet as she rushed over to her former boss. Crouching down in front of him she shook his arm.</p><p>'Alec?'</p><p>He gave no reaction other than starting to shudder uncontrollably.</p><p>'Oh, don't you dare...' she groaned grabbing his shoulders firmly. 'Look at me.'</p><p>He did. Alec's face was wet from sweat mixed with tears and his eyes were red. Panic was written over his features. His trembling hands clamped down on her arms.</p><p>Whatever had passed in Oliver's room had more than just upset her former boss. Ellie couldn't pinpoint what had triggered this reaction, but it had to be bad. She hadn't seen Alec react this strongly before and it worried her. Fear was not an emotion he had ever shown her. Though she wasn't sure how to handle this, Ellie knew they couldn't stay here, so she made a decision for the both of them.</p><p>'You're going to stand up and come with me.'</p><p>She pulled him up and felt him sway on his feet. Quickly he reached for the wall to stabilize himself. Ellie risked letting go of his arm only for a short period of time while she stuffed the pills back in the bottle and put it in her jacket pocket.</p><p>'We're in a hospital.' She warned. 'If you dare to stop breathing I'll tell the doctors to give you that bloody surgery right away.'</p><p>'I just... need a moment.' His voice was thick and shakily and only added to Ellies growing worries.</p><p>She waited, supporting his weight with her hand on his elbow and slowly the trembling lessened.</p><p>'Good.' Ellie started walking and Alec willingly let her carry him along.</p><p>Luckily for him, they reached the hall without encountering any medical staff and exited the building through the main entrance. As soon as they were outside Ellie had to ask.</p><p>'What happened back there? You look like you've seen a ghost.'</p><p>'I might as well have.' He mumbled, freeing himself from her grip. He stumbled, but quickly regained his balance and pushed her away.</p><p>'I'm fine, Miller.'</p><p>She sighed and lightly shook her head as he sat down on the bottom of the stairs, rubbing his forehead in pain. Ellie took place two steps higher. It was a relief to breath in the cold night air and hear the dimmed sounds of far away traffic instead of the steady beeping coming from the heart monitor connected to her niece. She had no idea how long they had been inside, but it couldn't have been more than a few hours as it was still dark outside.</p><p>'Alec.' The name fell from her lips softly. Her tone light, but persuading. 'What just happened?'</p><p>He wiped his eyes and took a deep breath. 'Nothing...'</p><p>'Don't lie to me.' If she hadn't been so worried, she might have shouted at him. 'I've never seen you this scared before.'</p><p>'Davis.' Alec shuddered and pulled his knees to his chest.</p><p>'What about him?' her voice remained calm as she fought the urge to place a comforting hand on his hunched shoulders. It was painful to watch him at his breaking point.</p><p>He tried to answer, he really tried, but the words got stuck in his throat. He swallowed a few times to hold back the tears and failed.</p><p>'Jonathan Davis.' His voice broke. 'Died in plane crash two years ago.'</p><p>And then, for the first time since he had moved to Broadchurch, Alec Hardy gave in to the burning behind his eyes and really, properly, started crying. It was as if a whole year of guilt, anger and fear was fighting its way out. The tears kept coming, blinding him and he didn't notice Ellie moving down to him until she was holding his sobbing frame and his face was buried in that ridiculous orange coat.</p><p>She simply held him, enveloping him in her warmth. In no way did she fully understand what was happening, but the hurt she could sense all over him now was overwhelming. Something wet slid down over her cheek and suddenly she was crying too, even though she wasn't sure why.</p><p>He cried until his throat was sore and his head was warm and throbbing painfully and all this time he let her hold him. Finally his breathing slowed down and his thought process became coherent enough to form words.</p><p>'Ghosts don't exist.'</p><p>Ellie kept stroking his back soothingly, partly for her own comfort and wiped her eyes with her other hand.</p><p>'I never believed in them.' She admitted.</p><p>Alec sat up, reluctantly feeling the warmth on his back slip away. 'I'm not even sure it's him.'</p><p>'We could go back inside.' She said, despite knowing the idea would be rejected.</p><p>Hardy shook his head. He retrieved a handkerchief and blew his nose before rubbing his eyes and forehead. "I don't-"</p><p>Don't what?</p><p>Don't want to?</p><p>"I'm not-"</p><p>Not ready to face the truth.</p><p>He could tell by the way she looked down at him in pity that he didn't have to finish that sentence. Ellie knew.</p><p>"Okay."</p><p>Then he remembered something.</p><p>'Are Tom and Fred still alone?'</p><p>Ellie swore under her breath. In all the commotion she had completely forgotten that she had two children to care for. Two children, she realised with a pang of guilt, that should never have been left on their own at night. In her defence, it had been one hell of a night.</p><p>'I need to go back.'</p><p>'You should.' He nodded.</p><p>Ellie got up. 'You're coming with me.'</p><p>He opened his mouth to protest.</p><p>'No complaining.' She rummaged through her pockets and gave him the kar keys. 'I need to tell Lucy I have to go. She'll understand.'</p><p>Alec stared at the keys as Ellie walked back inside and the door swung closed behind her. Thinking clearly was difficult with this headache. It was a mess inside his head. Emotions and memories following each other in no particular order. He didn't want to think about what happened when Davis had entered the room. Hurt and disbelief washed over him as the memory played out before his eyes, but above all he was terrified. He wished he could ignore the fact that he had seen this man. This man that looked like his friend, only older and even wore the same name. His fingers dug into his leg, hand gripping his thigh and that was how Ellie found him.</p><p>Wordlessly she offered him her hand and he gladly accepted it.</p><p>'He was gone.' Ellie said as they crossed the parking area. 'Took only a few minutes like he said.'</p><p>Alec handed her the keys and silently they got in their seats. This time Ellie drove away safely.</p><p>'How was Lucy?'</p><p>'She'll stay overnight.'</p><p>He nodded and closed his eyes.</p><p>'There's one thing.'</p><p>'Hmm?' He was drifting off to sleep.</p><p>'The other officer was still with her. Wouldn't leave her there alone.' She glanced to her left to see Hardy watching her with his eyes already half closed. 'I think he's right.'</p><p>'Of course you would.' He mumbled.</p><p>She sighed. 'Then you know I won't let you go back to the Traders on your own either.'</p><p>He nodded, his gaze meeting hers for a moment. Then he settled into a more comfortable position against the window and closed his eyes.</p><p>The fact that he didn't protest scared Ellie more than anything that had happened that night.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Chapter 13a</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>And again returning to this after two years or so. This time with at least one chapter in two parts.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>He was running through the fields. It was cold and grey clouds hung over the village. The grass beneath his feet was wet and slippery and he had difficulties to retain his balance. The string of yellow glowing street lights lit the main road, which was where he was heading to. On the other side, still far away, stood a figure in an orange raincoat. He shouted, slipped and almost fell. Almost. He ran faster and faster until his feet hit the road and he crossed it without taking his eyes off the stranger in orange.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The truck came out of nowhere. It crashed into him, the impact sending him flying sideways. His body connected with the asphalt and rolled another few meters. He couldn't move. He couldn't breathe.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He heard footsteps hurry his way and a blurry figure appeared above him. He blinked, but couldn't make out who it was. The person smiled down at him and someone screamed.</em>
</p><p>'Alec!'</p><p>
  <em>Someone shook his shoulder.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He clawed weakly at the alien arm, pushing it away, needing the space, the air.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>HIs heart hammered erratically against his ribs.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He needed to breathe.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He still couldn't breathe.</em>
</p><p>'Come on, wake up!'</p><p>
  <em>The screaming stopped and he took an enormous gulp of air.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And another</em>
</p><p>It felt like he was being pulled out of a dark puddle of water. Slowly he drifted into consciousness, leaving the dream for what it was. Just a dream.</p><p>He moved his hand to his chest. To his relief the beating beneath his palm was rapid but steady. He breathed in deeply a few times and the residual fear from the nightmare slowly subsided.</p><p>'Finally…'</p><p>The hand that he hadn't realised was still gripping his shoulder, was pulled away. He blinked against the light and a familiar face surrounded by wild brown curls came into focus.</p><p>'What are you doing here?' he slurred, accent thick in his half asleep state.</p><p>'Making sure you're not dying on me again.' Ellie replied sharply, but the worry in her tone was evident. 'Bloody hell, you can scream. The whole place must have heard you.'</p><p>He looked around disoriented. He was lying on a couch in an unfamiliar room, his coat draped over his body functioning as a blanket. It took a minute before he realised that he was in Miller's hotel room. He tried to sit up and the world started spinning around him. Groaning he gripped his head and with the other arm steadied himself on the back of the couch. Miller grabbed his coat before it could fall on the floor and moved back to give him some space.</p><p>He waited until the stars before his eyes had flickered out before turning and placing his bare feet on the ground. He groaned again as he stretched his sore back. Then the events of the previous night came rushing back to him.</p><p>Oliver. Davis.</p><p><em>Davis</em>.</p><p>For a moment the fear returned, full force, washing over him and he shuddered. Then he pushed it away and it retreated, lingering in the back of his mind.</p><p>'Alright?'</p><p>'M fine.' he mumbled.</p><p>'Liar.' Miller was still looking at him worriedly. She looked as tired as he felt, with dark circles around her eyes and hair sticking out in weird places, like she'd been running a hand trough it too many times. Hardy noticed that unlike himself she was still fully dressed in her clothes from the day before.</p><p>'Didn't you go to bed?' he asked, despite already knowing the answer.</p><p>'No.' she said, but didn't elaborate.</p><p>'Any news?'</p><p>'No.' she shook her head.</p><p>He stifled a yawn. He felt terrible. Terrible and exhausted. He couldn't have slept more than a few hours. A quick glance at his watch confirmed this. It was nearly nine in the morning. Only a few hours ago they had been at the hospital. He must have fallen asleep in the car, because he didn't remember walking the stairs. He briefly wondered how Miller had managed to get him up here.</p><p>'Mum?'</p><p>Tom was standing in the doorway leading to the bedroom. He was carrying his little brother on his hip and stiffened a yawn with his free hand.</p><p>'What's going on? I heard screaming.'</p><p>'It's nothing.' Ellie raised from the couch and turned her attention to her youngest son who was crying silently. 'Oh, come here, Fred. Did it scare you?'</p><p>Tom gladly handed Fred to his mother, obviously not completely at ease with the crying toddler. Then his eyes fell on Hardy and he immediately turned hostile.</p><p>'What is he doing here?' he demanded, raising his voice.</p><p>'Tom, sweetheart, please sit down.'</p><p>'No.' he shook his head and crossed his arms. 'Mum, why is he here? I don't want him in our house.'</p><p>'Tom.' She warned. 'Stop yelling. You're upsetting your brother.'</p><p>'I mean it mom. I don't want to see him.'</p><p>'Tom, I think it's better if you sit down and listen to your mother.' Hardy immediately he regretted mingling in the conversation as the boy turned and sent him a furious look.</p><p>'I'm not listening to you!'</p><p>He raised his hands in a defensive matter. 'Suit yourself.'</p><p>He had no idea that MIller's son was feeling such strong resentment towards him. They had never exactly been on friendly terms, but this</p><p>reaction was unexpected.</p><p>'Tom, listen.' Ellie stepped between them before things would escalate further. 'Oliver is in the hospital.'</p><p>'What?' Hatred for Alec Hardy momentarily forgotten, Tom stared at his mother wide-eyed. 'Is he okay? What happened?'</p><p>'They think he was hit by a car. The doctors are keeping him asleep for now.' Ellie bit her lip hesitantly before adding. 'Aunt Lucy called me and we went to the hospital. He looked pretty beaten up.'</p><p>Tom stumbled backwards and sat down on one of the chairs. He shook his head. 'No.'</p><p>Ellie sat down next to him and rubbed his shoulder with her free hand until the boy finally looked up at her with watery eyes.</p><p>'Can I see him?'</p><p>'Maybe later.' She promised. 'I'll ask Lucy.'</p><p>Tom nodded. 'Okay.'</p><p>Then he redirected his focus back to Hardy. 'Is he staying here now too?'</p><p>'No.' he replied the same moment that Ellie said 'Oh God, no.'</p><p>A moment of silence passed before Hardy cleared his throat.</p><p>'I'd better go then.'</p><p>'Don't be silly.' He was already reaching for his shoes when Ellie stopped him 'You're staying for breakfast.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Chapter 13b</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <span>‘So what do we do now?’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hardy shook his head. ‘I don’t know.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie and Hardy were sitting at the small table with two steaming mugs tea between them. They had just finished breakfast and Fred was playing silently in the corner while Tom had disappeared into the bedroom. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘I wish I could just go to work.’ Ellie sighed. ‘Figure out who did this.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘I know.’ he said softly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘But I can’t.’ She grimaced. ‘Even if I wasn’t on leave they wouldn’t let me work a case concerning my family. Conflict of interest and all that.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He remained silent, swirling the tea around in his mug and staring thoughtlessly at the patterns. It was true. What did she want him to say?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His mind started drifting, jumping from memory to memory, retracing his steps from the last weeks, like he had been doing the past days. It just didn’t add up. The case was closed as soon as Joe had signed his confession. All that rested was paperwork. In a few weeks the trial would follow, but in this case it should be a mere formality. Around that time anyone who was involved would have figured out Joe would be on trial. There really was no need to disclose this information in the paper.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It couldn’t be a coincidence that Oliver had gone missing at almost the exact same moment either. And then there was the inexplicable return of his old friend. He felt a pang in his chest as he remembered the blank look Davis had given him, void of any sign of recognition.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Something nudged his arm and he found Millers soft eyes on him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Are you gonna tell me about that nightmare?’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘No.’ He shook his head and braced himself for what was inevitably gonna be the next question.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Was it about that detective?’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘I don’t want to talk about it.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘I’ve never seen you so scared, you know.’ She continued, staring at him intently. ‘Scared me shitless to see you like that.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Stop it, Miller.’ He set down his mug, patterns dissolving, and glared at her. She was unimpressed by this characteristic behaviour and pressed on.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘No, you stop it. Tell me what’s going on.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Not now.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Then promise you’ll tell me later.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘I can’t.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That answer seemed to have flipped a switch in her and she sat back, crossing her arms.  ‘Why?’ she inquired. ‘Why can’t you tell me?’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Where her voice had lowered, Hardy’s voice rose in defensive anger. ‘Because it’s none of your business!’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘You can’t expect me to talk to you and shut me out when it gets difficult.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘This is different.’ he protested, but the argument sounded weak even to himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘How is this different?’ she shouted back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Why can’t you just let it go?’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Because I care for you, you idiot!’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Mum!’ Tom suddenly appeared from the other room. ’Be quiet!’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hardy wanted to say something, but the glare Tom sent him resembled his mother’s so much that he swallowed his words. For now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘I think I heard knocking.’ Tom looked at his mother. ‘Someone's at the door.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now that the shouting had ceased, they could indeed hear muffled noises coming from the hallway followed by a rapid knocking. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Ellie Miller?’ A familiar voice shouted. ‘Broadchurch Police, please open the door!’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie raised her eyebrows and glanced at Hardy. He shrugged, not sure what was going on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘I repeat, open the door!’ The knocking resumed, more persistent this time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Mum?’ Tom eyed his mother anxiously. ‘What’s going on?’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie shook her head. ‘I don’t know.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Well, don’t just stand there.’ Alec snapped. ‘Open the bloody door!’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>No sooner had she unlocked the door or two uniformed officers entered the room. Without barely a look at Ellie they strode across the living area and addressed the former DI.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Alec Hardy, we need you to come with us-’ The man coughed awkwardly as the man in question raised an eyebrow expectantly and started over. ‘I mean, sir, we are here to take you to the station.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>’What for?’ He asked grumpily. ‘My desk not clean enough?’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The second man responded. ‘Jenkinson wants to talk to you about the leaked information.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Tell her I’ll drop by.’ He waved towards the door. ‘She could’ve just called me.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The officer laughed nervously. ‘I’m afraid she insists that you come with us right now.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Oh?’ Hardy’s eyebrows disappeared in his hairline. ‘Are you here to arrest me?’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Only if it’s necessary.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie had viewed the exchange with growing disbelief. ‘You think Hardy leaked the information?’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘I’m sorry Ellie, you know we can’t disclose information about an ongoing investigation.’ The first man said. ‘But Jenkinson will want to see you as well, I’m sure she will call you today.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Can’t I come with you then?’ she suggested. ‘I still need to clean my desk. I can do that while waiting.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘No.’ Came the answer from behind her. Hardy had made his way around the room to pick up his coat and was putting on his shoes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>What do you mean no?’ Ellie scoffed. ‘You’re not telling me what I can do.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘I mean no as in absolutely not.’ He finished tying his shoelaces and shot her a dark look. ‘You’re tired, you have your children to take care of. You’re not spending time waiting at the police station,.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie crossed her arms and looked down upon him indignantly. ‘What’s the matter with you?’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shrugged and put on his coat refusing to answer. Then he briskly walked past Ellie and gestured towards the door. ‘Gentlemen, shall we?’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The officers greeted Ellie and walked out of the room. Hardy moved to follow them when he felt a hand on his arm. He shrugged it off and stalked towards the door. It took him three long steps before he changed his mind and turned around, sighing deeply.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Miller, I know you’ve been up all night. You need to get some sleep.’ He said softly. ‘You don’t want to be at the station right now.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘But what about you?’ she asked worriedly. ‘Do you want to be there after last night?’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘’ll be fine, really. It’s just Jenkinson.’ he tried to reassure her, but it didn’t sound as convincing as he’d like. ‘Besides, I don’t have a choice.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Not really, no.’ she agreed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He turned again to resume his way after the officers. ‘Oh and Miller?’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘What?’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘I’ll call you when they’re done.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She nodded once and then he was gone.</span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
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